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Tips for Better Communication During Divorce & Beyond

June 22, 2022/in Collaborative Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

By Wendy Habelow

Even under the best of circumstances, communication can be strained as a relationship is ending. Yet keeping the lines of communication open is essential for reaching an agreement in a divorce. Collaborative is ideally suited to help divorcing partners learn more effective communication strategies and is fundamentally designed to provide for face-to-face meetings with you, your spouse, your respective lawyers, and the whole team as needed for sessions intended to maintain open communication, produce honest exchanges of information and express expectations.

Here are a few tips about how to improve communication during divorce:

  1. Listen to what your partner is saying rather than only what you have to say.
  2. Focus on both of your goals and interests (rather than taking positions) and use them to generate options for compromise and agreement.
  3. Use the professional team as a model for respectful, civil and effective communication.
  4. Feel free to take a moment or step away if you become emotionally overwhelmed – it is better to take a pause to regroup rather than continue and possibly derail.

If you’d like more information, contact any member of CCDG 

Dr. Elaine Ducharme’s Tips to Keep Men Emotionally & Physically Healthy

June 15, 2022/in Collaborative Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

By Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

Dozens of studies over the past several decades have shown that men of all ages and ethnicities are less likely than women to seek help for all sorts of problems, including physical and emotional issues. This is often generational. Boys learn from their dads who learned from their dads that talking about emotions or even getting treatment for physical problems may be a sign of weakness. They worry that colleagues, friends and employers will look down on any man that does not just tough it out. Many learn to suppress sad emotions or even facial expressions. Unfortunately, these emotions then get redirected into anger and can lead to ineffective coping skills that impact overall health and even relationships.

Men are far more likely to seek help for problems they see as normative…problems that other men share. Education campaigns can help. Men are now much more likely to see a doctor about erectile dysfunction because advertisements have led to increased public awareness. The Collaborative Divorce process encourages men to talk about their own reactions to divorce and develop healthier styles of communication.

Here are 4 tips to help our men stay healthy:

  1. Start early and make sure our young boys know it is okay to talk about their feelings and get help when needed.
  2. Provide feelings charts for our children and encourage the use of a variety of words to describe how their emotions.
  3. Help to normalize both physical and emotional problems. Talk about it with your male friends. Ask if they have received their routine exams.
  4. Encourage employers and places men frequent such as barber shops, religious institutions and even bars to provide educational materials that help men learn about the frequency of both physical and mental health issues and normalize getting help.

National Children’s Day: How to Minimize Conflict, Honor Kids When Divorcing

June 10, 2022/in Collaborative Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

June 12 is National Children’s Day, a day on which we honor the children in our lives by slowing down and refocusing on important things. Collaborative Divorce recognizes the need to focus on children, not only in terms of divorce, but also how children develop their character and what parents need to keep in mind. Taking one day may not be enough, but using this one day as an opportunity to redirect behaviors may be an important step in a child’s life.

“Traditional litigated divorce often perpetuates and worsens conflict between parents, which can be associated with children’s diminished mental health, disruption in the parent-child bond, and children’s difficulty forming trusting relationships later in life,” said CCDG Mental Health Professional Wendy Habelow.

Habelow shares why Collaborative Divorce is a significantly better process for children and parents:

  1. This process recognizes that parents – not attorneys, judges or court personnel – generally are the best decision makers for their children.
  2. This process emphasizes civil, respectful and transparent communication in the services of less prolonged and destructive conflict.
  3. This process makes use of professionals (mental health professionals, financial professionals and attorneys) who provide guidance and facilitate positive communication between parents that may serve as a model for healthy co-parent communication.

Less conflict during the divorce process often results in children who are more content and able to enjoy relationships with both parents freely and without guilt or anger.

Collaborative Divorce: A Popular Alternative to Litigation

May 6, 2022/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Attorney Robert B. Fried

CCDG Divorce Attorney Robert Fried

By Attorney Robert B. Fried

The divorce process takes an emotional and financial toll on the parties going through it. And, unfortunately, the emotional aspects can affect the children as well who are seeing their world turned upside down. Where are the children going to live? With whom? When will they see the other parent? Why are their parents fighting?
And when a divorce takes a turn toward litigation and the attorneys are fighting zealously for their clients, a divorce case can really turn ugly. Over the last couple of decades, there has been a real push toward respect and civility in divorces; dial it back a little (or a lot!).
Last year in California, the Collaborative Divorce California group took that to heart and created “Divorce With Respect Week.” Over 200 Collaborative Professionals participated in a weeklong event — a number of California cities liked the idea and declared Nov. 1-5, 2021, as Divorce With Respect. California has the right idea.
The Collaborative Divorce process has existed in Connecticut since early 2001 and has become a popular alternative to litigation. Collaborative Divorce is a gentler, kinder way to divorce.  If you are considering a divorce, help your family, help your children, and contact any one of our CCDG collaborative professionals to learn more.

Collaborative: Supporting & Empowering Clients to Shape Their Future

March 23, 2022/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

By Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

Collaborative Divorce was developed as an alternative to traditional litigation, where attorneys and judges play a large role in determining outcomes for clients and families.

In contrast, the Collaborative process is an alternative to court-based divorce.  Here, clients are supported and empowered to shape their own destiny and the future of their family.  As central tenet of Collaborative Divorce, clients and children are placed at the center of the process and their voices, needs and goals are equally prioritized.  When clients know that what they say matters, they are more likely to reach agreements that are mutually respectful, satisfying and long-lasting.

Why Many Couples Opt for Collaborative Divorce

March 21, 2022/in Collaborative Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Brenda Larkin, CDFA

Collaborative Divorce is a team approach that resolves disputes without going to court. Beyond avoiding the high cost and stress of high conflict litigation, there are countless benefits to this style of divorce. Collaborative is a civil and mature approach to divorce that simultaneously recognizes the end of a marriage and the continuing relationship, obligations and responsibilities, especially if children are involved.

  • Privacy: The process, discussion and negotiation details are kept confidential. This is a stark difference to a litigated divorce in court that becomes a matter of public record (and sometimes media attention).
  • Communication: The process is designed to facilitate communication using a team of Collaborative specialists, including mental health professionals, who educate and assist you and your spouse on how to effectively communicate with each other rather than a conventional divorce with no communication process involved.
  • Cost: This is a comparably quick and affordable divorce process with a model that is financially efficient rather than litigation in which costs are unpredictable and can escalate rapidly.

Collaborative Divorce aims to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court, which encourages mutual respect and prioritizes the needs of children. Contact any CCDG member to learn more.

CCDG Psychologist Habelow: Collaborative is Great Option for Gray Divorce

March 10, 2022/in Collaborative Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

By Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

A gray divorce refers to couples who decide to part ways over the age of 50, often after a long-term marriage. When it comes to gray divorces, it is important to keep in mind that although the developmental needs of adult children are quite different than minor children, they often have strong uncomfortable and unhappy feelings about older parents’ divorces. It still represents the loss of a family, an adjustment for future family gatherings and celebrations and the discomfort of watching older parents possibly date and fall in love with someone who is not their other parent.

Older parents must be sensitive to their adult children’s needs and feelings, be mindful not to overshare personal relationship details with them just because they are adults, and work cooperatively with their partner to jointly participate in future family events collaboratively and peacefully.

Collaborative divorce can be a great option for couples going through a gray divorce because it can help maintain positive relationships by focusing on restructuring the family.

CCDG Psychologist Abby Cole on Gray Divorce

February 21, 2022/in Collaborative Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Abby G. Cole, Ph.D.

Abby Cole, Ph.D.

By Psychologist Abby Cole
Gray Divorce is particularly sad because couples have shared so many years together, and they had every intention of sustaining their marriage “until death do us part.” Their sense of identity is rooted in the marriage and the family they created, and it is difficult to envision a future alone.
People divorcing after 30 or 40 years of marriage tend to have settled into routines and habits. They rarely imagine themselves finding a new partner or building a new life, and to them, the prospect of change seems either bad or impossible.
Collaborative Divorce is particularly well-suited to Gray Divorces, as the team provides support for both spouses, helps them both plan for the future financially, and constructs a pathway towards being grandparents together even if they are no longer married.

Collaborative Divorce: Even Celebrities Can Divorce With Dignity & Privacy

January 19, 2022/in Collaborative Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Attorney Robert B. Fried

CCDG Divorce Attorney Robert Fried

By Robert B. Fried
Angry people do not settle divorce cases quietly — cases in point: Tiger Woods, Christie Brinkley, Charlie Sheen, Kim Kardashian, Angelina Jolie — the list goes on. And we sit here reading about the rich and famous and who is having adulterous relationships, who is using drugs, who is physically abusing another, and more.
There IS a better way — choose divorce with dignity, divorce with respect. Choose Collaborative, a process to divorce where no one threatens to go to court. CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. We help divorcing parties negotiate how to separate civilly.
You do not always hear the gory details of all celebrity divorces. Take, for example: Robin Williams, Madonna and T. Boone Pickens. This is how they did it.
If you are looking to end your marriage, call any CCDG collaborative divorce professional and let us explain why collaborative divorce is the choice for you!

Divorce, the Holidays & the Pandemic: Why Collaborative Divorce Can Be Particularly Helpful

December 22, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Bruce Freedman, Ph.D.

In normal circumstances, separating or divorcing families face new and daunting challenges during the holidays. The pandemic makes these situations even more complicated, but last year taught us a few strategies to make the season a little less difficult for coparenting and to keep things civil under such added stress.

The Collaborative Divorce process inherently includes planning that can help families, children and the parents who may be alone effectively cope with the holiday season. CCDG’s Collaborative Divorce professionals explain some of the benefits.

  • CCDG Attorney Allenston M. Sheridan Jr.: Under normal circumstances, parents should have time with their children. This is especially true during the holidays. This time can be difficult for both the parents and the children involved in a divorce, no matter what the circumstances are. The Collaborative Divorce process can help the make co-parenting easier to navigate during the holidays and is known to create creative ways for families to cope, like coming up with new traditions and finding different ways to celebrate this time of the year in healthy and meaningful ways.
  • Psychologist Bruce Freedman, Ph.D.: Collaborative Divorce allows a father and mother to sit together and create a customized plan for shared parenting. Planning for holidays and vacations can be carefully tailored to the traditions and preferences of each parent, a process which is cumbersome and difficult in adversarial divorce.
  • Attorney Frederick F. Ward II: The Collaborative process allows the parties to formulate their own customized plan for sharing the holiday time with their children in a nonadversarial atmosphere with the assistance of the collaborative team.
  • Psychologist Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.: The holiday season is a fun-filled, busy and undoubtedly sometimes-stressful time of year. The COVID pandemic has contributed to the stress, adding unwelcome complications to family plans and further stretching already frayed nerves. Traditional litigated divorce models typically do not provide much flexibility or originality when it comes to helping families celebrate the holidays. In contrast, Collaborative Divorce offers parents the opportunity to work closely with specialized professionals who can help them craft holiday plans that uniquely fit their children and family’ needs.  With a behavioral health/family expert as part of the professional team, parents are able to talk through their goals and explore options to meet these goals, as well as learn strategies for helping children through their first holidays as a new kind of family, plan for future holidays, and develop new traditions.  The entire Collaborative team of two attorneys, a financial specialist and a behavioral health specialist work together to support families during this emotionally fraught time in their lives so they can move through this transition with less stress and greater likelihood of establishing and maintaining a well-functioning transformed family going forward.

Co-parenting 101: Co-parenting Through the Holidays

December 15, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Kathryn Bissonnette

Attorney Kathryn Bissonnette

By Attorney Kathryn Bissonnette

The holidays are a stressful time for everyone, but especially for families that are experiencing a change in family dynamics due to a divorce or custody case. For the children in the middle of a divorce or custody action, the holidays can seem unbearable. Depending on their ages, children may feel any number of emotions: They might be worried about the feelings of the parent who they are not spending the holiday with; they may be scared Santa won’t find them if they are at the other parent’s house or at a new home; and in a worst case scenario, they might be fearful that their parents will fight and that the police will be called. The good news is that there are a number of things parents can do to help their children experience the warmth and happiness of the holiday season without all the chaos and anxiety. Here are some tips and considerations to think about when creating your new normal for the holidays.

  1. Be proactive when creating your holiday schedule: In a divorce or custody action, you will be asked to put together a list of the holidays that are meaningful to your family. You will then be asked to propose a schedule for how your children will share those holidays with your co-parent. A good holiday schedule should include the designation of the holiday, what times the child transitions will take place, where the transitions will take place, and which parent enjoys that time with the children each year.

When putting together your holiday schedule proposal, think about what traditions are most meaningful to you, with the understanding that some of these traditions may be equally as meaningful to your co-parent, or not meaningful at all to them. For example, if your family celebrates Christmas Eve each year, consider your co-parent having the children on Christmas afternoon each year and alternating the Christmas morning time. The important thing here is to be very mindful of transition times. Your children don’t want to get up from the dinner table with all their cousins on Thanksgiving to transition to the other parent- so consider making Thanksgiving a one-day holiday that is alternated each year.

There are many different ways to create a holiday schedule, so be creative and think about the impacts that your decisions may have on the children’s holidays.

  1. As always, be respectful to your co-parent: Don’t ruin you children’s holiday because you can’t help yourself and feel the need to have a high-tension conversation with your co-parent on Easter Sunday, in the middle of a parking lot, while transitioning the kids. Say hello to your co-parent, hug and kiss your kids goodbye, and tell them to have a good time. Then get in your car and drive away. As hard as it can feel to you emotionally, it really is that simple to keep your kids happy.
  1. New Traditions are ok! With divorce or separation comes the need to develop new traditions, which can actually be a fun thing for your kids. Your kids won’t know that they picked out their Christmas tree on a different day than you used do it. All they will remember is how big the tree was and that they hung their favorite ornament. Don’t get bogged down with the details. Even if you now have your children every other weekend, there is still plenty of time to celebrate all your traditions. And just think, now you don’t have to worry about who is going to watch your kids while you shop for, and wrap, their presents! Send them along to your co-parent, shop away, and enjoy the quite time wrapping gifts with a cup of hot cocoa.

CCDG Attorney Busby: Collaborative Can Help Divorced Couples Cope During Holidays

November 17, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Attorney Susan V. Busby

Attorney Susan Busby

By Attorney Susan Busby

“The collaborative process can help individual clients cope during the holidays. Because they are not being made to feel like adversaries, couples are often more able to craft a holiday plan that benefits both of them.

For example, many couples still celebrate together. This is especially true when children are involved. If they are not celebrating together and there are children involved, the collaborative process helps clients work together to create an agreement that allows each parent to have meaningful time with the children on the holiday. If they are not celebrating together, clients can be encouraged to reach out to their family and friends so that they will not be alone on the holidays.

Doing something meaningful, like volunteering in a soup kitchen on a holiday, can help clients feel fortunate and also feel good about how they are spending their time.”

CCDG Attorney Busby: Divorced Families Can Ease Holiday Discomfort By Shifting Focus to Children

November 15, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Attorney Susan V. Busby

Attorney Susan Busby

By Attorney Susan Busby

“The Collaborative process can help ease discomfort around holiday gatherings by encouraging clients to put the focus on children when creating a holiday parenting plan. When the focus is on the children, then it is more likely than not that holiday traditions can be honored for the sake of the children.

The focus is then not that the parents are losing family time on a holiday but that children are being allowed to continue with holiday traditions. Parents can also be encouraged to create new holiday traditions and celebrations with the children, which can inspire fun and creative new traditions.”

CCDG: 3 Ways to Divorce in CT – Litigation, Mediation & Collaborative Divorce

November 9, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.
CCDG Psychologists Wendy Habelow, Ph.D., and Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D., detail the three ways to divorce in Connecticut: litigation, mediation & #CollaborativeDivorce, which is much more family oriented and allows for more control over the outcome and the health & well being of the family.

Collaborative Divorce: Legal, Financial & Emotional Support

November 9, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Financial Aspects of Divorce/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.
CCDG Psychologists Wendy Habelow, Ph.D., and Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D., discuss the three components of a divorce: legal, financial & emotional — and how #CollaborativeDivorce addresses them.

CCDG Psychologist Elaine Ducharme on Covid, Divorce & Mental Health

October 11, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.
CCDG Psychologist Elaine Ducharme

Psychologist Elaine Ducharme

“Covid has stressed the majority of individuals and families. When divorce is added to this mix it is not unusual to find one or both parents exhibiting signs of anxiety or other mental health issues,” said CCDG psychologist Dr. Elaine Ducharme. “During a traditional litigated divorce there is often an attempt to use a mental health diagnosis against a parent. The Collaborative Divorce approach allows the team to figure out ways to understand the implications of a mental health disorder on parenting abilities, connect with key providers and work to develop a parenting plan that allows for appropriate treatment for the individual  development and maintenance of a strong bond between the children and both parents and the overall health and well being of the children.”

CCDG Psychologist Abby Cole on Mental Illness Awareness Week: Collaborative Supports All Parties in Divorce

October 8, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Abby G. Cole, Ph.D.

Abby Cole, Ph.D.

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. When it comes to divorce when mental illness is involved, a Collaborative Divorce might be less disruptive for clients who have mental health issues.

“Divorce can be particularly traumatic for spouses with serious mental health problems,” said CCDG Psychologist Abby Cole. “They may fault themselves for the breakdown of the marriage, and their spouse may also be leveling accusations and blame, all of which conspire to weaken an already-vulnerable sense of self. The traditional court system is trying even for the healthiest litigants; people who are emotionally vulnerable will be further hurt by the public nature of the court process, the disruptive schedule of court appearances and the general hostility embedded in this type of divorce. In contrast, Collaborative teams aim to support all clients, protecting them with privacy, decency and predictability. Our aim is to help families transition through divorce peaceably, so that both spouses are able to move forward into the future without new divorce-related pain or trauma.”

CCDG Attorney Deborah Eisenberg on Mental Illness Awareness Week: Collaborative Can Help Identify, Address Mental Health Issues During Divorce

October 6, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Attorney Deborah R. Eisenberg
Attorney Deborah Eisenberg

Attorney Deborah Eisenberg

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. When it comes to divorce when mental illness is involved, a Collaborative Divorce attorney might be able to work differently with clients who have mental health issues.

“During the collaborative process, mental health issues can be more easily identified and addressed than in the conventional divorce process. The mental health professional on the team can confirm what an attorney may suspect from speaking individually with his or her client, and can recommend appropriate treatment promptly and discreetly,” said CCDG Attorney Deborah Eisenberg.

“Also, if a party has a mental health issue, such an issue is apt to be amplified during a routine team-wide settlement conference when emotions are heightened and on full display. This is in contrast to the conventional divorce process where it is easier for a client’s mental health needs to remain hidden. Again, the divorce coach can recommend necessary treatment. Additionally, if the parties’ children are suffering from any mental health issues, the collaborative team can discuss these issues and address them promptly.”

CCDG Psychologist Wendy Habelow on Mental Illness Awareness Week: Mental Health Professional Provides Support in Collaborative Divorce

October 6, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. When it comes to divorce when mental illness is involved, a Collaborative Divorce might be a helpful approach for clients who have mental health issues.

In a Collaborative Divorce, partners are able to discuss mental health conditions and needs with safety and understanding, without fear of it being used against them in court.

“Behavioral health conditions cannot be lumped into a single category. Each condition has its own unique aspects and needs. Further, within each condition there is significant variability in symptoms and ability to function. As many chronic health conditions differ widely person to person and have symptoms that wax and wane or go into remission, so too do behavioral health symptoms, said CCDG Psychologist Wendy Habelow. “Having a behavioral health specialist on the collaborative team gives the clients and professionals the ability to consult with an expert to help with many aspects of the divorce settlement, including parenting schedule and income capacity. Plans can be created and agreements made that consider the possibility that symptoms may worsen and make provisions accordingly.”

CCDG Psychologist Traci Cipriano on Mental Illness Awareness Week: Collaborative Divorce Benefits the Whole Family

October 4, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Traci Cipriano

CCDG Psychologist Traci Cipriano

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. When considering divorce when mental illness is involved, Collaborative Divorce can be a very successful approach.

“Couples who elect to participate in the Collaborative Divorce process often do so because they want to protect their children from the stress of drawn out and adversarial legal proceedings,” said CCDG psychologist Traci Cipriano. “During the past 18 months, the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic has been a major stressor for school-aged children and the need for mental health treatment has skyrocketed. By taking a collaborative approach to divorce, the divorce process itself is less likely to exacerbate existing child stress and mental health issues, with the added benefit that divorcing parents can work with me—in one aspect of my role as the mental health neutral—to learn how to best support their child’s mental health needs as the family navigates the transition. Helping families in this way is one of the most satisfying parts of my role.”

 

CCDG Psychologist Habelow on Collaborative Divorce & Mental Health Awareness Month

May 11, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

By Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

In traditional litigated/adversarial divorces, in “cooperative” divorces in which two attorneys try to work cooperatively together, or even in attorney-led mediations, there is no one trained to understand and support couples with mental health issues. In Collaborative Divorce, a mental health expert, sometimes referred to as the coach, always is part of the professional team, as the process recognizes that divorce is an emotional, as well as a legal and financial process.

This mental health professional can provide expert guidance to the couple and other professional team members to better understand the particular mental health concerns, structure the meetings to minimize conflict and stress that could exacerbate symptoms, provide additional individual support to minimize symptoms, work with an individual’s behavioral health specialist(s), and make community referrals as needed.

In addition, traditional adversarial divorces often use mental health issues as a tool to denigrate a client. In stark contrast, an overarching guiding principle of Collaborative Divorce is “divorce with dignity”– working with couples to ensure that their work together is focused on achieving fair resolutions in an atmosphere of civility and mutual respect. This principle of dignity helps to reinforce that each member of a couple has value and is entitled to be listened to and treated fairly and with respect, even if one or both struggle with mental health issues.

Nasty Pitt-Jolie Divorce Will Play Out in Public – But Not All Divorces Have To

April 9, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Attorney Robert B. Fried
by Attorney Robert B. Fried

CCDG Divorce Attorney Robert Fried

“Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s Divorce Fight Could Last 6 More Years, Cost Millions.”
I just saw that header. What it doesn’t say is that their nasty divorce battle will be played out in public and everyone will be able to read about their dirty laundry and who did what to whom. Did I forget to add that their children are caught in the middle and are being pulled one way and then the other? The children also will hear about the bad things their parents allegedly did and will know their friends have heard the same stories – allegations of verbal and physical abuse of children, domestic violence, alcohol abuse, and more.
It does not matter if a divorce is high profile, high income, high net worth or the way most people live. If you’re divorcing, consider if you want to have a bitter custody fight involving your children, if you’re fighting for what is in the children’s best interests…or yours, and if you want to spend many thousands of dollar on attorneys.
If not, you do have a choice. You can choose to stay out of the courtroom, stay out of the public eye and negotiate your divorce issues privately, using the collaborative process with professionals trained to help you. Choose to divorce with dignity. Choose to negotiate your differences.  If not for you, do it for your children.
If you live in Connecticut and want more information on collaborative divorce, call me at 860-728-6644.

CCDG Divorce Experts Share Parenting Insight on World Teen Mental Wellness Day

March 2, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

Collaborative Divorce Offers Services & Resources to Prioritize the Needs of Children

HARTFORD, Conn; March 2, 2021 – Each year, March 2 marks World Teen Mental Wellness Day, a day dedicated to raising greater awareness of mental health issues among teens and providing education about removing stigmas surrounding preventative mental health.

When it comes to divorce, children and teens often end up in the middle of many cases. When parents are angry, that anger can have profound negative effects on their children for the rest of their lives. A Collaborative Divorce can help prioritize the physical and mental health of children and teens by reaching a parenting plan that focuses on their needs and best interests through honest, respectful interaction between the parents and members of the Collaborative Divorce team made up of a lawyer, a financial expert and a mental health specialist.

“The Collaborative Divorce team process is the best route to focus on the well-being of a child with mental health issues,” said Frederick F. Ward II, an attorney with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG), a group of professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a method of family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce. “It provides opportunity for an open, safe, non-controversial atmosphere for the parties to discuss and agree upon the appropriate medical and financial options for the child’s best interests.”

Collaborative Divorce is arguably the best approach to divorce when children are involved. The team works to be on the same page to promote a peaceful situation that can breed cooperative co-parenting, and parents can create an individualized and detailed collaborative agreement that best suits their family’s needs.

“More teenagers are struggling with anxiety and depression than ever before. On top of the stress of the pandemic, imagine also having to cope with their parents’ divorce,” said CCDG Licensed Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow, Ph.D. “Besides the usual pressures of school and trying to navigate peer relationships, COVID has taken away their traditional methods for relieving stress, including being with friends, face-to-face learning and support from teachers and classmates, and extracurricular activities that offer a chance to relax, have fun and move their bodies. Collaborative Divorce is a way to reconfigure a family using a team of professionals designed to avoid or limit the anxiety and hostility of a court process.  This approach can limit the stress that trickles down to teenagers, who as older children sometimes serve as supports for angry or grieving parents and may feel obligated to take sides, thereby interfering with their ability to relate to both parents in a healthy way.”

The Collaborative process helps parents focus on the needs of their children, including their behavioral health needs.  It provides a framework for lasting legacy of mutual co-parent cooperation that serves to support teenagers through their difficult years and into adulthood.

Unlike a litigated divorce, Collaborative Divorce gives couples more control over the outcome of their separation. Rather than having a judge decide the family’s future through litigation, Collaborative Divorce allows couples to make flexible agreements that address the financial, psychological and legal aspects of divorce. In addition to often being less expensive than a litigated divorce, Collaborative Divorce takes the entire family into account.

To learn more about the collaborative divorce process, visit www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com. CCDG members are available for interviews.

About CCDG: Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

Attorney Frederick Ward

Attorney Frederick Ward

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

Post-Divorce Transition Management: The Complicated Mechanics of Getting a Newly Single Person Financial Independence

January 13, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Financial Aspects of Divorce/by Edward M. Goldberg, CFP, ChFC, CDFA
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CCDG Therapist Renfro on Nat’l Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month

January 8, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Laura Renfro, LMFT
By Laura Renfro

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Laura Renfro

The month of January tends to see a spike in divorce filings, so it is no coincidence that January is recognized as National Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month, a time dedicated to alerting parents about the effects of divorce on children – and how to prevent emotional and psychological damage to children during and after a divorce.

Part of your Collaborative Divorce team includes a mental health coach. We are licensed by the CT Department of Public Health and have extensive experience and education working with families and children during and after the divorce process. We are highly trained to listen carefully to everything you have to share about your children and work with you and your partner about anything and everything that is important to you. In Collaborative Divorce, we can create a weekly access schedule, holiday schedule and parenting plan that is custom fit for your children and family, just like a favorite sweatshirt or favorite pair of jeans The individual needs of your children come first and we have the experience needed to address all of the issues as a whole, not just a part of the whole.

Additionally, we provide a private, safe place where you can learn to improve communication, understand how to co-parent well together and resolve issues that traditional litigation attorneys do not address. We teach you things you need to know for the future success of your relationship with one another and support you carefully every step of the way.

January is National Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month

December 29, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

CCDG’s Divorce Experts Recognize ‘Children are a Parent’s Most Precious Gift’ and Offer Services & Resources to Prioritize the Needs of Children

The month of January tends to see a spike in divorce filings, so it is no coincidence that January is recognized as National Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month, a time dedicated to alerting parents about the effects of divorce on children – and how to prevent emotional and psychological damage to children during and after a divorce.

Children end up in the middle of many divorce cases, and when the parties are angry, that anger spills over and affects the children. In hotly contested cases, the warring parties are sometimes looking out for what is best for them and not what is best for the children. Those decisions have profound effects on children for the rest of their lives. And in some cases, people try to keep unhappy marriages together for years, expressly for the sake of the children.

“Parents often feel and express that their children are their most precious gift,” said Wendy Habelow, Ph.D., a psychologist with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG), a group of professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples in Connecticut and their children out of court using a method of family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce. “Parents can accept separating from a partner or leaving a home or town, but they often dread the thought of separating from their children and spending less time with them.  They fear how the children will cope being away from them or how they will manage living separately with the other parent and worry whether they will be sad or anxious.”

Collaborative Divorce is arguably the best approach to divorce when children are involved. With a collaborative team made up of a lawyer, a financial expert and a mental health specialist, everyone works to be on the same page to promote a peaceful situation that can breed cooperative co-parenting, and parents can create an individualized and detailed collaborative agreement that best suits their family’s needs.

“A collaborative divorce allows a couple to reach a full agreement, including a parenting plan, in a dignified manner with the assistance of a team of professionals,” added Frederick F. Ward II, an attorney with the CCDG. “The professional team consists of two non-adversarial attorneys, a psychologist and a neutral financial person. These days, all meetings of the professionals and the parties can be held in a virtual manner via Zoom.”

Unlike a litigated divorce, Collaborative Divorce gives couples more control over the outcome of their separation. Rather than having a judge decide the family’s future through litigation, Collaborative Divorce allows couples to make flexible agreements that address the financial, psychological and legal aspects of divorce. In addition to often being less expensive than a litigated divorce, Collaborative Divorce takes the entire family into account.

“Collaborative divorce puts the needs of children at the center of the process that prioritizes parents as the chief decision makers rather than attorneys or judges, because parents are the people with the most knowledge and insight regarding the needs and interests of their children,” Habelow said. “In a litigated divorce, the attorneys and courts are front and center of a process that often is adversarial, disempowering of parents and characterized by fighting to win. The collaborative process, by contrast, puts the children and parents at the center of the process by teaching parents how to work together to resolve disagreements, with trained professionals who use a team approach to help guide parents as they need to a divorce plan that is civil, respectful, and sustainable.”

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

Attorney Frederick Ward

Attorney Frederick Ward

How to Cope with Increasing Covid Fatigue as Winter Approaches

December 8, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.
By Elaine Ducharme Ph.D, ABPP

We have all been dealing with the many consequences of Covid for over seven months. As winter approaches and the numbers of cases continue to rise, it seems that Covid fatigue is just getting worse.

People are frustrated, tired, angry, and sad. Very little feels like normal. Life seems all the more difficult by small, routine things such as greeting dear friends without hugs, always being super conscious of hygiene, and the uncertainty of when this will end.

These circumstances can be particularly troubling for parents who are separating or divorced. Each household may have different levels of comfort about who the child can be around, whether or not to choose home schooling or in person learning, and how to manage child care when both parents are working, even from home. If divorced couples had trouble working together before Covid, it has probably become even more difficult.

It is really important to take control where you can. So, as an individual and head of your own household, here are a few tips to help you feel better during these trying times:

  1. Get outside as much as possible…bundle up and sit around a fire pit
  2. Make this the year you try new outdoor activities: snow shoeing or cross country skiing
  3. Eat well, get enough sleep and use meditation
  4. Try to learn something new…a language, knitting, etc.
  5. Reach out and help someone else: Do their marketing, read to their kids, or offer anything else that gives them a break
  6. Be grateful. There actually have been many very positive things that have happened because of Covid: family time together, less stress from the office drama, shorter commutes…
  7. Remember to laugh. This is so important. Even smiling allows our bodies to release dopamine, a feel good chemical.

Life may seem more complicated as the holidays approach. People are being asked to avoid big gatherings and celebrations. But just as we have seen so many people being creative about big birthdays, graduations, weddings, and other special events, I think we can find ways to make the holidays special — different, but special.

Here are a few ideas to make the holidays fun this year:

  1. Everyone make the same but brand-new dish
  2. Everyone make a dish and exchange it with another family member or friend. It is easy to safely leave on someone’s porch.
  3. Utilize video chat:
    • Do cooking and meal preparation together
    • All join together to share a few moments of gratitude
    • Decorate your houses together
    • Read The Night Before Christmas or another favorite story
    • Light the Chanukah candles together
  4. Set your daily intention to be positive and again, remember to use humor and laugh.

Many divorced or separating couples who have participated in the Collaborative Divorce process will have a divorce coach who can help them navigate through these difficult times.

And as always, if you find yourself really struggling with feeling sad or anxious, ask for help. Reach out to and talk to a psychologist…the side effects are a better life.

Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

CCDG Psychologist Habelow on Divorce & Holidays: Parents Must Work Together to Help Children Cope

December 1, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

In normal circumstances, separating or divorcing families face new and daunting challenges during the holidays. This year is even more complicated. When it comes to divorce and the holiday season, consider how a Collaborative Divorce may be be particularly effective for families, children and the parents who may be alone.  

“In non-Covid times, the holidays are opportunities for children to have individual time with each parent, continue old traditions perhaps in slightly new ways, or create new traditions. Creating new traditions teaches children that different isn’t good or bad, it’s just different, and we don’t need to fear new experiences.

During Covid, I think there is hardly a person who won’t be doing something different this year, whether it’s not traveling to see family or friends, getting together outside or with far fewer people, or not getting together with anyone at all. Hopefully we will be in a far better position this time next year and we can resume much of life as we knew it before Covid.

In the meantime, if parents are sad or disappointed that their plans need to change, that can be difficult for children to see unless they also see parents working to cope positively with their uncomfortable emotions. There are news stories every week chronicling the significant spikes in rates of anxiety and depression among children and teenagers. All parents, divorced or not, need to work together to help children cope productively with all of the ramifications of Covid. If parents or children are experiencing worry, sadness, irritability, or anger that is more than usual and not going away, they should seek behavioral heath support and treatment.”

CCDG Attorney Eisenberg on Divorce & Holidays: Collaborative Can Be Especially Effective for Interfaith Families

November 23, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Attorney Deborah R. Eisenberg
Attorney Deborah Eisenberg

Attorney Deborah Eisenberg

In normal circumstances, separating or divorcing families face new and daunting challenges during the holidays. This year is even more complicated. When it comes to divorce and the holiday season, consider how a Collaborative Divorce may be be particularly effective for families, children and the parents who may be alone.  

“The collaborative process can be especially effective for interfaith families in the development of a parenting plan for the holidays. With the emphasis on interest-based negotiation and with the assistance of a mental health professional who serves as coach, parents can work out a holiday schedule that allows children to be able to celebrate multi-faith holidays with their parents and extended families.
In contrast, litigated cases allow parents to act out their vindictiveness toward each other, even in the negotiation of a holiday schedule. For example, in one of my pending litigated custody cases, the mother, who is Christian, objects to the father, who was raised in a Jewish-Christian household, having parenting time on Chanukah and Passover. If mother does not concede, the issue will be tried before a judge — at significant cost in time to the court and in legal fees to the parties.”
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CCDG Attorney Donna Buttler on Divorce & Holidays: Collaborative Can Soften the Hardship

November 20, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Attorney Donna L. Buttler

Attorney Donna Buttler

In normal circumstances, separating or divorcing families face new and daunting challenges during the holidays. This year is even more complicated. When it comes to divorce and the holiday season, consider how a Collaborative Divorce may be be particularly effective for families, children and the parents who may be alone.  

“Thinking about not being with your children over the holidays can be devastating to some people, and, frankly, can become the embodiment of the sadness and betrayal that may be present in the divorce. The Collaborative Divorce process enables the separating or divorcing parties to discuss these feelings in a constructive way and to make distinct arrangements that work for their family that may soften the hardship. Recognizing one another’s emotions in itself can help the parties cope. Eliminating misunderstandings can improve the overall post-divorce relationship within the family. The stress of the current pandemic environment heightens distrust and concern, so constructive discussions are that much more beneficial to relationships — particularly if there are disagreements over aspects such as the size of the celebration and the activities that will be enjoyed.”

 

 





CCDG Attorney Donna Buttler on Mental Illness Awareness Week: Collaborative Divorce Benefits the Whole Family

October 13, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Donna L. Buttler

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. When it comes to divorce when mental illness is involved, a Collaborative Divorce attorney might be able to work differently with clients who have mental health issues.

Attorney Donna Buttler

“Support for the individual who is mentally or emotional compromised is inherent in the Collaborative process. The mental health professional attends all sessions to look out for their needs as well as an individualized attorney advocate to provide legal support,” said CCDG attorney Donna Buttler. “The Collaborative method creates a circle of privacy as well as support for the individual who may have more difficulty coping with the emotions of a divorce, coupled with the need to negotiate in a reasonable manner. Contrast that with litigation and the need to put an emotionally compromised individual on a witness stand to essentially drill them for information in an utterly confusing situation and it is apparent how the collaborative process is beneficial to the entire family.”

CCDG Attorney Donna Buttler on Mental Illness Awareness Week: Collaborative Divorce Benefits the Whole Family

October 7, 2020/in Announcements, Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Donna L. Buttler

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. When it comes to divorce when mental illness is involved, a Collaborative Divorce attorney might be able to work differently with clients who have mental health issues.

Attorney Donna Buttler

“Support for the individual who is mentally or emotional compromised is inherent in the Collaborative process. The mental health professional attends all sessions to look out for their needs as well as an individualized attorney advocate to provide legal support,” said CCDG attorney Donna Buttler. “The Collaborative method creates a circle of privacy as well as support for the individual who may have more difficulty coping with the emotions of a divorce, coupled with the need to negotiate in a reasonable manner. Contrast that with litigation and the need to put an emotionally compromised individual on a witness stand to essentially drill them for information in an utterly confusing situation and it is apparent how the collaborative process is beneficial to the entire family.”

 

CCDG Psychologist Wendy Habelow on Mental Illness Awareness Week: Collaborative is ‘Divorce With Dignity’

October 6, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. When considering divorce when mental illness is involved, Collaborative Divorce can be a very successful approach.

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

“Collaborative is thought of as ‘divorce with dignity,’ where respect, patience and compassion are central tenets of the approach and process. These tenets are especially evident when one of the partners struggles with mental health issues,” said CCDG psychologist Wendy Habelow. “Mental health diagnoses do not preclude someone from being a loving, capable parent. In a Collaborative Divorce, partners are able to discuss mental health conditions and needs with safety and understanding, without fear of it being used against them in court. Care and attention can be given to ensure that a partner’s mental health needs are being treated appropriately, that they are following treatment recommendations, and that there is a plan in place for the care of children should that partner’s symptoms significantly worsen. These plans might include temporarily changing the parenting schedule if a parent needs time alone or a treatment program, therapeutic support for children who may have questions about what has happened to their beloved parent, and educating both the individual and the partner about how to best manage a chronic illness. The Collaborative Process has at its core a team of professionals with experience in helping families to reconfigure successfully and for the long-term. In particular, the team has a behavioral health specialist whose expertise can be called upon to help families living with mental illness adjust to the new normal of a divorce both during the process and after the divorce is finalized.”

Back to School is Especially Tough for Warring Spouses, And It’s Even Worse During Pandemic

September 9, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Deborah R. Eisenberg

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Sept. 9, 2020

 

Collaborative Divorce Can Help Parents Find Fair Resolution in These Complex Circumstances

HARTFORD, Conn; Sept. 9, 2020 – Even in the best of times, going back to school in the fall is a challenge for kids and parents, and it is especially hard for those families starting school after a divorce because they face new uncertainties at home and school.

Typical back to school stress for divorced or divorcing parents includes coordinating new childcare arrangements and bus schedules, figuring out which parent is responsible for packing or paying for lunches, which parent is responsible for buying clothing and school supplies. Dividing up this responsibility is complex. And this year, these stressors are compounded given the pandemic circumstances because many children are home doing online learning for part or all of the week.

Now these parents also have the added responsibility of rearranging their work schedules, buying additional school supplies and setting up for school at home. Parents of children with special needs must scramble to ensure their children get the necessary services and those with high schoolers may leave their children home alone, but then worry if their teenagers are participating in online learning as required.

“If childcare was challenging for divorced parents before Covid, it is now a nightmare,” said attorney Deborah Eisenberg with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG), a group of attorneys, financial professionals and behavioral health professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a team approach to family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce. “Some parents must now find daycare providers or other responsible third parties who will not only take care of their children during the school day, but also supervise their remote learning and homework. These challenges are difficult enough for intact families to work out, but it can be near impossible for warring spouses.”

One way for separated or divorcing parents to mitigate that stress and come up with a fair and workable solution for the new schooling landscape is through Collaborative Divorce, which offers a mechanism for parents to negotiate and resolve these types of parenting issues. Collaborative Divorce is an alternative dispute resolution process with professionals trained to assist and promote communications and settlement outside the court process. Divorcing parties meet and work toward a comprehensive resolution of all issues and organize it into a written document signed by the parties.

“All custodial and financial disputes are settled outside of court through a series of settlement conferences attended by the two spouses, their respective attorneys, a mental health professional who serves as a divorce coach, and, if needed, a financial neutral,” said Eisenberg. “Cases are settled by interest-based negotiation, staying away from hard-line positional arguing. The goal of the team is to develop a parenting plan that is tailored to the needs of the particular family and satisfies both parents’ interests and concerns.”

In some cases, a coach experienced in family-related issues works independently with the parents to carve out detailed parenting schedules and conditions that might otherwise be wholly absent in conventional divorces. In fact, a Collaborative Divorce can specifically address these unique and current stressors such as identifying appropriate childcare, adjusting parents’ work schedules, allocating responsibility for monitoring online learning and homework, and interfacing with school personnel. The parenting plan developed in a Collaborative Divorce is worked out in a team setting with everyone in agreement, which is far more effective both logistically and emotionally. The alternative is conventional litigation, which is generally adversarial and much less detail driven.

While many divorce cases were put on hold at the beginning of the pandemic and lockdown, divorces can now be filed, processed and finalized remotely – from start to finish. There are new court forms on the judicial website to assist parties in preparing their agreements, both as to custody agreements and financial agreements. And the more cooperation that happens between the parties outside of court, otherwise known as collaboration, the sooner a couple can finalize a divorce – which can also help alleviate some of those compounded stressors.

 

Learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process: www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com. CCDG members are available for interviews.

About CCDG: Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their Collaborative Divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

 

Attorney Deborah Eisenberg

Attorney Deborah Eisenberg

10 Things Parents Should Consider for Back-to-School 2020

August 25, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Financial Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.
By Dr. Elaine Ducharme

Back to School 2020

If this were a normal year, parents would be shouting with joy that their kids were going back to school. If this were a normal year, kids would just be shouting. But this is not a normal year. This is 2020, the year of Covid 19.

The world feels a bit topsy turvy. Parents, who have a primary responsibility to protect their children from harm, are worried that if they send their kids back to school their kids might get sick and die. Or their kids might become carriers of Covid 19 and infect someone else who could get sick and die.

Some schools are not even sure exactly what will happen this year. School districts in the state have had to make three plans: full time in-person learning; full time remote learning; and a hybrid model consisting of some in-school and some remote learning. For parents trying to navigate these uncertain waters, life is difficult and scary. The situation can be even more daunting for divorced or divorcing parents who may have very different ideas about what is best for their child or children.

Here are a few things for parents to keep in mind as they try to figure out what to do.

1. Remember that wearing masks, social distancing and hand washing are the keys to keeping everyone safe. So, check out your school and see what plans they have in place to make sure these rules are strictly followed. For example, find out if they decreasing class size, rotating hours for kids to be in class or walking through the halls.

2. Evaluate your own personal health situation, that of your child (children) and anyone living in your
household. If any of you are in a high-risk category, have conditions such as diabetes or any condition that would weaken the immune system, you might want to consider holding off on in-school learning for a few weeks until we see if the numbers of cases go way up once school starts.

3. If you are unsure about these health issues, check with your medical doctor or pediatrician for guidance.

4. If you are sending your child back to school, make sure the first day of school is not the first day your child has to wear a mask all day long. If you haven’t started practicing at home for extended periods, do so now. For example, have your child wear a mask whenever he or she is on electronics. And pack an extra mask in their backpack.

5. Take advantage of any videos that your school may have showing the set-up of the school and how things will be working this year.

6. Acknowledge your children’s feelings. Encourage them to talk about what they are thinking and worrying about.

7. We know that the social isolation has caused increased depression, drug use and abuse, and even suicide. Watch your children for signs of depression and anxiety. A great resource for parents about this is https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/parents-guide-to-teen-depression.htm

8. If you are divorced or divorcing and you are having difficulty agreeing on what is best for your kids, consider talking to a divorce coach/mediator or parent coordinator. For families who utilized the process of Collaborative Divorce, they already have a divorce coach in place to help them resolve issues when they get stuck.

9. Consider forming small pods if your kids will be staying at home. Small groups of kids/families can help share child care, play activities and even teaching in order to maintain important social interaction.

10. And finally, we know that some families have little choice. Both parents may have to work out of the home and have no alternative care. Please remember to be kind to yourselves. Let go of judging yourself or others. In these uncertain times, we are all doing the best we can. And frankly, that is all we can ask of ourselves or each other.

Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

How to Minimize the Variable Costs in ‘Marital Assets Pie’ During Divorce

August 19, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Financial Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Edward M. Goldberg, CFP, ChFC, CDFA
By Edward Goldberg

I fondly remember the “good ole days.” You know, the days when we would have in person meetings in our conference room with clients without a care about social distancing and wearing masks.

When talking to a couple about the financial aspects of their divorce, specifically division of property, I would draw a large circle on the white board representing the “marital assets pie.” I would typically draw a line down the middle representing that the pie would be split in two pieces, one piece for each spouse. I would clarify that I was not intending to give the impression that the pie would be split into two equal parts, but that more or less, given certain leeway for the particular circumstances of their situation, the pie would be split essentially in two. But then I would carve out another slice – a small slice, but another slice. Yes, I would intone, your pie will actually be split into three slices: one for you (and I would indicate one spouse), one for you (and I would indicate the other spouse), and I would ask the question, “Do you know who gets this third slice?”

Invariably, the answer would come back, “the lawyers?”

Wishing not to blame that entire third slice on only the lawyers, I would say something like, “Well, yes, the lawyers, but also potential court costs, costs of other professionals if needed, like if there is a business interest to be valued or if there are some particularly thorny issues with the tax returns, and so on. But what is interesting is that the most variable of the three slices is actually that third slice. That third slice can be larger or smaller, and of course the larger it is, the less you two have to divide. But the good news is the size of the third slice is largely determined by you!”

So the question then posed to my conference room captives would simply be, “Would you rather that third slice be larger or smaller?”

The answer was always, “Smaller, of course.”

How can you – a future client of mine or of any of the other divorce professionals you might encounter on your journey from a married person to a single person – limit the size of that future slice of the marital assets pie?

So here’s a bit on how to can make that happen.

First, do some homework. While it’s tempting to call a familiar or referred lawyer, choosing that means you will have already made the decision, albeit perhaps unwittingly, about what kind of a divorce you will undergo. Did you know not all divorces have to go to court? Did you know you could mediate your divorce? Are you aware that there is such a type of divorce known as “collaborative,” in which, while you each have your own attorney, it is kept private, polite and out of court? There are also other professionals who work in the field, such as mental health professionals and specially trained financial professionals. Prior to calling the attorneys, you might want to consult with other professionals, particularly those who also work in the field.

Second, be prepared. Gather together the financial information you know that is going to be requested of you – tax returns, brokerage statements, bank statements, mortgage information, 401(k) statements, credit card statements, etc. Ultimately, you will need to fill out a financial affidavit, which requires you to know your expenses. As you pull your financial data together, this will further prepare you for the discussions that will invariably follow. The more you know in advance about your financial circumstances the more quickly and efficiently will the discussions proceed.

Third, build your team. There are a number of people that can support you as you go through this experience. You don’t want to do this by yourself. Those that could help you, lend a shoulder, just be supportive when you need it could be a sibling, a close friend or professionals such as a therapist, your lawyer or a financial professional.

Fourth, be fair. Temper your expectations. Be realistic. One of you will not walk away with the house, all the cash and all the investments. This is, above all, a negotiation. Whether it is a hostile or an amicable negotiation is up to you. But know this: The angrier the process, the more it will cost you. Remember that third slice of the pie? No matter the circumstances that have brought you to this point, it will not serve you well financially to carry your personal loathing of your soon-to-be-ex-partner to the negotiating table. If you need counseling to help you get through this trying time, by all means, seek it out. You need to be sensible as you go through this process.

Lastly, look to the future. This too shall pass. There is a light at the end of this sometimes-dark and troublesome tunnel. The troubles that have brought you to this point are behind you now. Today is indeed the first day of the rest of your new life. Again, look to your support team as you move forward. Consider working with a financial professional to assemble – perhaps for the very first time – your very own financial plan for the future. Most of all, maintain a positive attitude as you begin this next chapter.

And good luck!

 

Edward Goldberg

 

The New Normal: What, If Anything, Can We Expect to be Different in the Judicial System?

July 24, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Felicia Hunt

By Attorney Felicia C. Hunt

Individuals are experiencing unprecedented challenges by not having court as a form of recourse for serious issues they are facing. Although the courthouse doors are open, the limitations on old procedures can leave families feeling that they do not options or the ability to move forward.

With a quick look at some of the changes and some of the services that are available, we at CCDG can help you see that there are paths to resolution.

Even as of the end of July, courthouses are continuing to open back up. However, the day-to-day business in the buildings is still limited to “priority one” matters, which include emergency matters, restraining orders, orders of temporary custody, domestic violence matters, arraignments involving domestic violence cases etc. The full list of priority one matters can be found on the judicial website. https://jud.ct.gov/COVID19.htm

Even though a divorce or custody matter may not qualify as a “priority one” business function, the court administration has continued to expand remote operations. For example, parties can:

  • E-file agreements and request approval without court appearance. When these agreements are approved, they become court orders with the full force and effect of a court order issued after a hearing or trial.
  • E-filed agreements apply to cases that are pending litigation (i.e. temporary orders entered prior to final divorce or final orders) as well as post-judgment matters (orders entered after divorce, such as on a motion for modification).
  • Divorces can now be filed, processed and finalized remotely – from start to finish. There are new court forms on the judicial website to assist parties in preparing their agreements, both as to custody agreements and financial agreements.
  • For parties who come to agreements quickly there are also waivers that can be completed to waive service of process and to waive the statutory waiting period – this can enable a couple to finalize their divorce swiftly.
  • Many of the forms require notarization by a clerk, notary public or commissioner of the superior court. Although the clerk’s office is gradually becoming more available, the Executive Order permitting remote notarization has been extended through September 9, 2020, and offers the opportunity to complete all forms at home.
  • Significantly, the court has recently started scheduling and holding virtual hearings. The virtual hearings are currently limited to matters that require one hour or less and have limited witness testimony and limited documentary evidence. This will create new opportunities for the court to address the many day-to-day struggles that families are facing that do not necessarily fit within the “priority one” list.

It is critical to know that progress CAN happen now, whether it is for a family that recently filed, that is hoping to file soon or that has new post judgment issues to be addressed. There are limitations with the court operations, and it does look different than it did a few months ago, but there are paths to resolve the cases and achieve final court orders. Therefore, the more cooperation that happens between the parties outside of court, otherwise known as collaboration, the more we at CCDG can do to finalize cases and bring families fully through their transitions.

Attorney Felicia C. Hunt

How Divorced Parents Make Healthy Decisions About Children During Covid

July 13, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Laura Renfro, LMFT
By Laura Renfro, LMFT

 

Let’s talk about how you and your former spouse, the only other parent of your children, can make healthy decisions about how to proceed with making mutual decisions regarding next steps for your children during Covid 19. As of the writing of this article, Connecticut’s Gov. Ned Lamont has authorized the opening of schools for the fall 2020. The American Academy of Pediatrics has also recommended opening schools.  
 
Regardless of those segments, you might have strong positive and negative feelings or otherwise conflicting feelings about reopening schools. I suspect your former spouse has conflicting feelings as well. Naturally, you both want to protect your children from any harm. 
 
What happens if you disagree? How can you come to an agreement? How can you ease your worries and those of your children?
  • Start with a healthy and productive dialogue. Consider using video features so you can see one another if you aren’t seeing each other in person.
  • It is best to begin with how you feel about the idea.  Use “I statements” and take time to truly consider why you believe what you believe is best for your kids.  
  • Use good listening skills to hear your former spouse’s opinions and thoughts.  
  • Next, move onto the facts. What is your specific school district planning? And within that context, specifically your child’s elementary, middle or high school doing to ensure the safety of your children? 
  • Continue your dialogue.  Keep the conversation open and productive.  This is the hard part: keep your old feelings about the divorce out of these conversations. This is about your kids, not about your relationship — except as parents to your kids.
  • If you need a third party to help with this difficult conversation, reach out to a family therapist or a mental health professional who can provide co-parent counseling and help you reach an agreement.

YOU are the best people to make a plan for your kids. YOU are the people who can reach agreements and plan for your kids now, 6 months from now, and 6 years from now. YOU’VE got this!

Laura Renfro, LMFT

Laura Renfro, LMFT

Pediatric Behavioral Health Resources in CT

June 1, 2020/in Announcements, Collaborative Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

If you are worried about your child or teen…Help is only a phone call away.

Child and Adolescent Behavioral Health Referral Resources

1.  Mobile Crisis Intervention Services
Free behavioral health crisis services, including suicide assessment (under age 18; for those 18 and older,  refer to adult services)
This service will help identify and connect you with local providers.
DIAL: 2-1-1, press 1 (wait) & press 1 again

2.  Child Development Infoline
Provides access to early childhood development and behavioral health  services through Help Me Grow CT  (for children 8 and under)
DIAL:  800-505-7000       

3.  Call your Pediatrician.  They can request referral information through the ACCESS Mental Health Program if they do not have a recommendation  that meets your child’s needs

Resources for Parents

1.  COVID-19 Hotline
Talk it Out: A new state of CT hotline to help parents and caregivers  decompress from the pressure of caring for children during COVID-19.
DIAL:  833-226-2362

2.  Intimate Partner Violence/Domestic Abuse Line
DIAL:  888-774-2900
LIVE CHAT:  www.CTSafeConnect.org

3.  Postpartum Support International Helpline
DIAL:  800-944-4773
TEXT:  503-894-9453 (English), 971-420-0294 (Spanish)

 

Here’s the full document from the The Child Health and Development Institute of Connecticut:

Pediatric_Behavioral_Health_Resources_Quick_Guide.

Tips for Co-Parenting During Social Distancing

April 28, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

West Hartford Psychologist Offers Tips for Coparenting during Social Distancing

Divorced Parents Can Succeed at Coparenting During Social Distancing

April 23, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support, Uncategorized/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

CCDG Licensed Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow Shares Insights
to Help Divorced Parents Cope with the Current Situation

 

HARTFORD, Conn; April 23, 2020 – As Americans struggle to navigate the new reality of social distancing during the Covid 19 pandemic, divorced and separated parents have the added stress of figuring out how to coparent effectively, safely and successfully – for themselves and for their children.

Licensed psychologist Wendy F. Habelow, Ph.D., with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG), a Hartford-based group of professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a team approach to family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce, shares tips to help parents successfully work together to get through the situation.

Question: What have you seen in terms of how this COVID 19 isolation is affecting families that are currently going through a divorce?
Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow, Ph.D.: I think that folks in general are feeling more stressed, with job and financial uncertainty, not being able to see loved ones, having to home school children and, of course, worrying about getting sick. In addition, the courts are closed except for uncontested divorces right now so little is moving forward. Going through divorce is one of the most stressful life events, so to be trying to divorce and possibly still living together during this time, the stress and tension must be very high.

Question: Why or how might this complicate a divorce? What are some ways this could potentially get messy for families?

Wendy F. Habelow: In addition to the uncertainties and stress of life right now, parents may be disagreeing about access to children due to real or imagined threats to children’s health. If there are no court orders, nothing to provide structure, conflict can fester and possibly erupt. 

Question: What would you suggest to those who are starting to go down a messy path?
Wendy F. Habelow: Things work much better if you have two parents who are working cooperatively. Focus on the children, not on each other. Try to remember that what the children want the most is to spend time with both parents and not be around conflict. Allow the children access to both parents in as free and unfettered a manner as possible. Also remember that everyone is stressed now so try to be more patient and tolerant. Also, be mindful that whatever is happening now will be temporary, things will return to normal.

Question: What have you seen in terms of how isolation is affecting families that have already gone through a divorce and are currently struggling or successfully coparenting?
Wendy F. Habelow: I think there is no one good or correct way to get through this difficult time. Each family must do what fits their needs best. Depending on a parent’s job (healthcare worker, first responder, etc.), it may make more sense for children to remain with one parent. Other parents may find that it works well for children to go back and forth between their two homes. Some parents are able to share home school responsibilities while others are not because of work or distance. Clear, respectful communication and flexible structure are key to working out arrangements that care best for children.

Question: What tips can you offer parents to mitigate the anxiety and nervousness they may feel about the situation?
Wendy F. Habelow: Remain focused on the present and what is in your control, not on the future and what is not in your control. Don’t watch too much television or read too much, stay informed but don’t overload on information. Meditate, exercise safely, sleep, and eat regularly. Try to balance between work, play and self-care.

Question: And what tips can you offer parents so they don’t get on a negative spiral and can continue to coparent successfully through this?
Wendy F. Habelow: Take things a day at a time if necessary, be as thoughtful and as kind as possible, and focus on the needs of your children and not your feelings about your co-parent.

To learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process, visit www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com. CCDG members are available for in-person and telephone interviews.

About CCDG: Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their Collaborative Divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

Wendy F. Habelow, Ph.D

Covid-19 and Domestic Violence

April 7, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Robert B. Fried
By Attorney Robert B. Fried
 
I think we have all heard far more than we would like regarding the impact of COVID-19….with no immediate end in sight. And as an attorney who devotes most of his practice to family law, I have heard the predictions that with so many families staying home, more couple will be divorcing.
But what I had not heard, until a few minutes ago, is that this same proximity of couples spending most of their waking hours together in the same house, is a substantial increase in domestic violence. One major city in Connecticut has seen a 20 percent increase in domestic calls in the last week alone.
DON’T ADD TO THAT STATISTIC. If you are experiencing domestic violence, please text “home” to 741741, the Crisis Text Line to connect with a crisis counselor. Talk to an attorney. Talk to a mental health professional. get into couples counseling. Domestic violence helps no one!

Attorney Robert B. Fried

Managing Social Isolation During Coronavirus Pandemic

March 17, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.
Dr. Elaine Ducharme Offers Helpful Tips for Coping with Complicated Feelings
By Dr. Elaine Ducharme
March 16, 2020

 

We are clearly in uncharted waters. Many of us are feeling anxious, overwhelmed, confused by conflicting media reports, sad about cancellation of important events and not quite sure what to do. Parents are wondering how to manage work and child care with all the schools closed.

We are social creatures. And in spite of the fact that so much of our contact is on social media, human contact and touch are incredibly important to both our physical and mental health. So, how should we proceed? And how do we cope?

First, I will say that it is really important to understand that what we do over the next couple of weeks will have a significant impact on the national trajectory of coronavirus. I know that many have been really concerned about testing and the lack of available test kits. But that is really only a part of this situation. Testing lets us know about numbers of cases. But numbers alone do not stop the spread. We significantly reduce the spread by staying away from each other. Unfortunately, the coronavirus can be spread both before symptoms appear (4-5 days) and even many days after symptoms are gone.  Please wash your hands regularly. A friend reminded me to use a hand wipe or tissue when pumping gas.

An excellent article by Dr. Asaf Bitton, executive director of Ariadne Labs in Boston, Mass, entitled Social Distancing: This is Not a Snow Day gives excellent information with details from the CDC about this. Briefly, he points out that by staying away from each other we can flatten the curve of the projected numbers of people who will become ill and be better able to manage those who need serious medical attention. On a regular day our country has about 45,000 staffed ICU beds which can be ramped up to 95,000 in a crisis. However, even moderate projections suggest that if current trends, similar to those seen in China and Italy continue, our healthcare system will be overwhelmed. There is concern over the number of available respirators and as more people are exposed, even the numbers of staff to care for the sick will be decreased.

Yet, we all have the power to help this situation. Banding together, avoiding blame or politicizing, we can agree to stay apart. We can avoid public gatherings. This means more than avoiding concerts and other public events. It means avoiding playdates, sleepovers and even connecting with smaller groups. Even if you are not sick, you can be a carrier. I was heartbroken to have to tell my grandson that we were going to cancel his trip up to CT for his spring break visit. But it was the right thing to do, for all of us.

I, like many if not most of my colleagues, am asking patients to consider phone or video sessions during this time. If you don’t feel well, please stay home. None of my colleagues are charging for last-minute cancellations because of illness or even fear.

Parents, I know the idea of entertaining your kids over the next few weeks may be overwhelming, but there are some really cool things you can do. First, do consider having your kids connect with friends and relatives via Skype or FaceTime .

Many museums are offering virtual tours from the comfort of your couch. This is a great way to “visit” the Louvre or the Guggenheim. The web is literally bursting with ideas to keep your kids occupied during this time. Board games, reading together, building forts, baking, dong crafts are all things that can keep everyone busy.

Please don’t forget: While you are being asked to socially isolate, that does not mean you have to stay indoors. The weather has really been nice. So go for walks and hikes, play soccer in your backyard, bake together, and make sure your kids are doing any homework they have been assigned or are attending their virtual classes. Here is another link to an article in the Guardian with ideas on managing the social isolation.

Please, please be considerate of others. This is temporary. And if we all work together it will be shorter rather than longer. This is not a hurricane. We still have water and power. So we don’t need endless supplies of peanut butter and mac and cheese. Our grocery stores and pharmacies will most likely remain open as they have in Europe so shelves will be restocked and you will be able to get supplies. Buy what you need but do not hoard.

I also want people to recognize that will will get through this together. It is important not to panic. Do not overwhelm yourself by listening to the news 24-7. Sometimes…in fact, many times…the news is someone’s opinion, not necessarily fact. So listen for short periods of time in the am and pm. Go directly to the CDC’s website to get current information. And certainly talk to a psychologist or other mental health professional if you truly feel overwhelmed.

Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

CCDG Experts Offer Valentine’s Day Survival Tips for Divorced People

January 28, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Brenda Larkin, CDFA

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Jan. 28, 2020

 

Get Through the Romantic Season with Advice from CCDG’s Legal, Financial & Mental Health Professionals

HARTFORD, Conn; Jan. 28, 2020 – No matter what time of the year it happens, divorce is unpleasant. But those dealing with a divorce around Valentine’s Day can find the romantic imagery of hearts, flowers, candy, the focus on love and couples, and the hoopla of the holiday particularly painful and isolating.

Going through a divorce and the heartache of a fresh divorce are not always so wonderful. But being divorced can be an incredible time for growth and fun. And Valentine’s Day can be the perfect way to transform oneself and start a new life that is full of possibilities, successful relationships and positive experiences.

Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG) is a Hartford-based group of professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a method of family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce, which uses a collaborative team made up of a lawyer, a financial expert and a mental health specialist.

CCDG divorce attorney Susan Busby, financial professional Brenda Larkin and clinical psychologist Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D., collaborated on list of Valentine’s Day survival tips for people who have just gone through or are going through a divorce:

  • Treat yourself. If you are in a relationship or not, do not wait for someone else to give you a gift. You know better than anyone else what you like. Flowers beautify and uplift any environment, so buy flowers for yourself on Valentine’s Day (and at least once a month additionally). Go to a spa, have a massage, or buy yourself something else that you enjoy. Everyone deserves a little pampering, and you know exactly what you like — so the gift will always be perfect and fit just right.
  • Throw yourself a party. February is in the middle of winter — often gray, overcast, dreary, and cold. It is a great month to plan a party, which will also take your mind off the focus on the couple-centered holiday in the middle of it. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be centered around couples. If you have children, you can have a party for children and adults with lots of pink sweets on a weekend. Or you can have an adults-only party to beat the February blues. Whether you host a party at home or organize an outing, you can make this an annual, alternative, festive event for friends who may also feel left out of Valentine’s Day.
  • Take charge of your choices. Although getting divorced can be very painful, it is also a great opportunity to take charge of your life and decide what happens next. That can be incredibly powerful and help you move from a sense of victimization to actually thriving in your life. Taking charge of small things like how the furniture is arranged in your home, what time you eat your meals and what TV show you watch can bring enormous satisfaction when you don’t have to try to please someone else.
  • Be kind to yourself. Valentine’s Day can provide an opportunity to treat yourself with the love and kindness you would bestow upon a dear friend. Surround yourself with positive energy and people who bring you joy. It is amazing how much more lonely you can feel when you are in a bad relationship than when you are actually alone.
  • Give yourself a financial checkup. While not necessarily romantic, it’s an important and powerful step to develop a financial plan to provide you with a realistic picture of your current income and current expenses. This will help you develop a budget and provide a guideline to staying on track and living within your means. A financial plan will also give insight as to what your financial future may look like. This may inspire you to set future financial goals and aid you in developing a strategy to achieve your goals.
  • Update post-divorce documents. Focus on your future and best interests and update beneficiary info on documents such as life insurance, will, trusts, POA’s, health care directives, retirement accounts, investment accounts, and transfer on death accounts like your brokerage or savings accounts. But take note: Prior to making changes, review your divorce decree or consult with your attorney to confirm that there are no restrictions on changing beneficiaries.

Unlike a litigated divorce, Collaborative Divorce focuses on the needs of the couple, not the court process. Couples work with a skilled and caring team of professionals to arrive at solutions that benefit everyone in all areas of separation legal, financial, and emotional. It also gives couples more control over the outcome of their separation, takes the entire family into account, and is often less expensive than a litigated divorce.

To learn more about the collaborative divorce process, visit www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com. CCDG members are available for in-person and telephone interviews.

 

About CCDG: Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com  

Attorney Susan Busby

Financial Professional Brenda Larkin

Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

January is National Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month

December 9, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Abby G. Cole, Ph.D.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Dec. 9, 2019

 

CCDG’s Divorce Experts Recognize ‘Children Are More Precious Than Any Possession’ and Offer Services & Resources to Prioritize the Needs of Children

HARTFORD, Conn; Dec. 9, 2019 – The month of January tends to see a spike in divorce filings, so it is no coincidence that January is recognized as National Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month, a time dedicated to alerting parents about the effects of divorce on children – and how to prevent emotional and psychological damage to children during and after a divorce.

Children end up in the middle of many divorce cases, and when the parties are angry, that anger spills over and affects the children. In hotly contested cases, the warring parties are sometimes looking out for what is best for them and not what is best for the children. Those decisions have profound effects on children for the rest of their lives. And in some cases, people try to keep unhappy marriages together for years expressly for the sake of the children.

“For most of us, our children are more precious than any possession could ever be,” said Abby Cole, Ph.D., a Divorce Coach and Clinical Psychologist with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG), a Hartford-based group of professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a method of family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce. “For children, collaborative divorce is far superior to litigated divorce, because their parents are encouraged to work together rather than fight against each other. They are not scarred by ugly scenes, nor are they encouraged, directly or subtly, to hate either parent. They are free to go forward and love both parents, feeling safe in both homes, and savoring the precious innocence of childhood.”

Collaborative Divorce is arguably the best approach to divorce when children are involved. With a collaborative team made up of a lawyer, a financial expert and a mental health specialist, everyone works to be on the same page to promote a peaceful situation that can breed cooperative co-parenting, and parents can create an individualized and detailed collaborative agreement that best suits their family’s needs.

“A collaborative divorce can help prioritize the physical and mental health of a child by reaching a parenting plan that addresses the best interests of the child through honest, safe interaction between the parties and members of the team,” added Frederick F. Ward II, an attorney with the CCDG. “It is significant for an attorney to recognize that a divorce can be more difficult when a child is involved because emotions of the parties are involved at a very stressful time in their lives. The advantage of a collaborative divorce is that the parties are able to craft their own resolution in a non-adversarial process with the assistance of the team of trained professionals.”

Unlike a litigated divorce, Collaborative Divorce gives couples more control over the outcome of their separation. Rather than having a judge decide the family’s future through litigation, Collaborative Divorce allows couples to make flexible agreements that address the financial, psychological and legal aspects of divorce. In addition to often being less expensive than a litigated divorce, Collaborative Divorce takes the entire family into account.

“The voices of the children may also be carried to the divorce team through mental health professionals who are experts in child development,” Cole said. “The collaborative team works hard to support parents in their transformation from angry or unhappy spouses into civil and respectful co-parents, which shields children from the most destructive aspect of divorce. Rather than crucify parents for past mistakes, we educate parents about best practices going forward in two homes, and we support parents in their own growth processes post-divorce.”

To learn more about collaborative divorce process, visit www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com.

CCDG members are available for in-person and telephone interviews.

About CCDG: Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

Abby Cole, Ph.D.

Attorney Frederick Ward

Attorney Frederick Ward

Collaborative Divorce: A Route to Happier Holidays During & After Divorce

November 20, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Attorney Susan V. Busby

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Nov. 20, 2019

 

CCDG’s Divorce Expert Shares Suggestions for More Joyous Holidays During Changes

HARTFORD, Conn; Nov. 20, 2019 – The holiday season is often stressful, and for those going through or having just gone through a divorce or separation, the season can induce even more stress, intensify negative emotions, and accentuate how much their lives have changed. But it is entirely possible to have a joyous and peaceful holiday season, even during a big change in family structure.

By choosing a collaborative divorce, separating parents can create the holiday plan together to determine best options for everyone, focus on the well-being of the children, develop new cheerful traditions, and lay the foundations for having a good working relationship post-divorce.

“By coming to an agreement collaboratively, both parents have input into the holiday schedule instead of having a judge telling parents what the holidays will look like,” said Susan Busby, an attorney with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG). CCDG is a Hartford-based group of professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a method of family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce. “In a Collaborative Divorce, the values and traditions of the parents and the children can be honored and not used as leverage between the parents to get something else, which can happen in traditionally litigated divorces. Working out the holiday plan together is better for the children and for parents. Then everyone can relax and enjoy the holidays.”

With a collaborative team made up of a lawyer, a financial expert and a mental health specialist, parents can create an individualized and detailed collaborative agreement that best suits their family’s needs.

Busby suggests maintaining traditions as much as possible so that the children’s experience of the holidays changes as little as possible. “Even with large extended families and multiple days and times of family visits, the parenting plan can include all of it so the children don’t miss out,” she said. “Parents may decide to celebrate together; there are no rules against this. Where traditions cannot be maintained, however, I encourage parents to create new traditions, maybe something they have wanted to try out. I also suggest having detailed holiday plans so that if either parent remarries, he or she is not caught between old and new spouses and can refer back to the parenting plan as needed.”

With the input of mental health professionals, the collaborative process can also focus on coping strategies, new traditions, and alternative plans for the parent without family time on a major holiday who may be alone and feeling sad.

“Not seeing your children on a holiday can be devastating for parents,” Busby said. “Alternative dates, celebrating together, and splitting holidays are all ways to try to resolve this but sometimes both parents still want the same day and don’t want to spend time together. The parent without parenting time may be alone and can be reminded of the great loss of family time. I counsel parents not to discuss any discontent about the plan with the children to avoid having them worry about the other parent.  Children are not concerned with the date on a calendar when it comes to spending time with a parent and/or getting presents.”

The collaborative process is all encompassing and also includes financial professionals who help guide parents through challenges with spending and gifting so as not to compete with each other. The whole collaborative team helps couples navigate divorce with dignity and discretion, discuss their issues in a safe environment, and learn new communication and problem-solving techniques to negotiate solutions that are mutually beneficial.

And these reminders can help those struggling with the holidays:

  • Acknowledge everyone’s feelings about changes and loss of some traditions.
  • Try to avoid conflict. Plan ahead. If you’re getting along well with your ex, it may be possible for the two of you to have one holiday gathering with your kids. But if there’s any risk of conflict don’t try this. Plan your own celebration. Be clear about hours of pick up and drop off.
  • Let kids have some input: Ask them what traditions are really important to them and try to maintain some of them.
  • Help kids get gifts for the other parent. But don’t try to outdo the other parent with gifts.
  • Remember each year is an opportunity to create new memories.
  • As a parent, take care of yourself too.

Unlike a litigated divorce, Collaborative Divorce gives couples more control over the outcome of their separation. Rather than having a judge decide the family’s future through litigation, Collaborative Divorce allows couples to make flexible agreements that address the financial, psychological and legal aspects of divorce. In addition to often being less expensive than a litigated divorce, Collaborative Divorce takes the entire family into account.

To learn more about collaborative divorce process, visit www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com. CCDG members are available for in-person and telephone interviews.

CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

Co-Parenting: The Trick of Making Halloween a Treat for Children of Divorcing/Divorced Parents

October 28, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Brenda Larkin, CDFA

Holidays can be overwhelming for families at all stages of separation and divorce. Even for those who co-parent well, kid-centered holidays like Halloween can still present a number of challenges. But it is most important to make sure the children are happy and secure with the knowledge that both parents are there for them.

Here are some tips to help make Halloween a treat for the kids as well as parents navigating any stage of co-parenting.

1. Some parents settle the issue of holiday time with an agreement in their parenting plan to alternate each year. If this is the case for you, try a video chat before going out so everyone can share the joy of seeing the kids in costumes.

2. Some parents may be able to continue to share the holiday and do it together. If you are not comfortable walking around the neighborhood together, there are other options, such as:

  • Share duties: One parent could take the kids trick-or-treating while the other hands out treats at the house. Then gather with a few friends at the house to bob for apples, drink hot chocolate, eat some treats, and other activities.
  • Spread it out: One parent helps pick costumes and carve pumpkins. The other does the trick-or-treating.
  • Split activities: Some communities and schools have Halloween events at times other than the evening of Oct. 31, so the holiday time could be divided with the community event for one parent and neighborhood trick-or-treating for the other.

3. Finally, be sure to share photos/videos of your kids’ activities with each other.

Halloween is often a very exciting time for kids. So, put your adult differences aside and let your kids have fun. Every time you can put your differences aside and co-parent in the best interest of your kids, they will see just how much you love them. And that is the best treat of all!

Collaborative Divorce: One Tool to Minimize Domestic Friction & Hostility

October 18, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Oct. 18, 2019

 

Local Divorce Experts Spotlight the Benefits of Collaborative Divorce
During National Domestic Violence Awareness Month  
 

HARTFORD, Conn; Oct. 18, 2019 – According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner and one third of all criminal court cases in the state involve family violence. Every October, recognizing National Domestic Violence Awareness Month provides the community with an opportunity to better understand the dynamics of this serious family issue, to respond effectively with trauma-informed strategies and to encourage ways to end patterns of behavior before they escalate into extreme control and abuse.

“Domestic Violence can be an insidious process. It often can start with a sense that the person cares so much they want to know where you are every minute,” said Dr. Elaine Ducharme, a divorce coach and child specialist with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG), a Hartford-based group of professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a popular method of family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce. “This can quickly escalate into feelings of jealousy and controlling behaviors. Many women feel that if the abuse is not physical then it really doesn’t count. Yet, verbal abuse can be extremely damaging.”

Bitterly contested or hostile divorces can exacerbate abusive behaviors. Working with a Collaborative Divorce team is one way to possibly preempt the emotions and contain inappropriate and abusive behaviors. The process may actually help people recognize their feelings and become better problem solvers without the use of violence, physical or emotional.

“Divorce can tear families apart and create new tensions and friction in the family,” said Robert Fried, an attorney with CCDG. “This can sometimes lead to domestic violence; the results of which can takes years to heal, if ever. Collaborative divorce reduces and minimizes the friction and hostility – instead of waging war in the courtroom, we negotiate in the safety of a conference room. We work together for the family instead of waging war against each other.”

Unlike traditional divorce, Collaborative Divorce gives couples more control over the outcome of their separation. Rather than having a judge decide the family’s future through litigation, Collaborative Divorce allows couples to make flexible agreements that address the financial, psychological and legal aspects of divorce. In addition to often being less expensive than a traditional divorce, Collaborative Divorce takes the entire family into account.

The Collaborative team is often made up of two lawyers, a financial expert and a mental health specialist. These jointly retained specialists help couples navigate divorce with dignity and discretion, discuss their issues in a safe environment, and learn new communication and problem-solving techniques to negotiate solutions that are mutually beneficial.

“The collaborative divorce style provides support for each individual and can often be effective in minimizing any bullying or abusive behaviors that typically occur in litigation,” Dr. Ducharme said. “The team can also help guide individuals into appropriate treatment for emotional issues, including anger management, when necessary.”

While those with a history of domestic violence may not always be a good match for the collaborative process, as long as the team feels everyone will be safe during the process, it can still be a helpful option.

To learn more about collaborative divorce process, visit www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com. CCDG members are available for in-person and telephone interviews.

If you are or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help.

The National Domestic Violence: 1-800-799-7233
The National Sexual Assault Hotline: AT 1-800-656-4673

 

CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

###

Back to School Planning Tips for Divorcing Parents

September 26, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Bruce Freedman, Ph.D.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Sept. 26, 2019

CCDG’s Local Divorce Coach & Child Specialist Bruce Freedman, Ph.D.,
Shares Family Strategies to Prepare for the Upcoming Year

HARTFORD, CONN; SEPT. 26, 2019 – It’s time to go back-to-school for children and families, and that brings a lot of activities for parents to manage. Extracurricular activities are a substantial part of life for most children, and though they demand commitment, time and money, it is widely acknowledged that these endeavors instill better sociability, self-esteem and development. Coordinating work, school, and after-school activities is a logistical and financial challenge for all parents, but this challenge is even greater when parents divorce.

“When parents are in the process of divorce or recently divorced, deciding on and paying for extracurricular activities can become more difficult and contentious,” said Bruce Freedman, Ph.D., a divorce coach and child specialist with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG), a Hartford-based group of professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a popular method of family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce. “By working together, parents can balance the activities they propose while also agreeing on a budget.”

Freedman recommends that divorced and divorcing parents consider meeting together or with a mediator a couple of times each year to plan out the next six months of activities and discuss schedules and costs.

The Collaborative Divorce team is often made up of a lawyer, a financial expert and a mental health specialist. These jointly retained specialists help couples navigate the divorce process and negotiate solutions that are mutually beneficial. As an organization, CCDG is committed to the use of mental health coaches in the collaborative process to provide parenting guidance and create parenting plans that are beneficial for children as well as assisting families with the very real emotional aspects of divorce.

To help divorced or divorcing parents prepare and organize for the coming year, Freedman shares these additional back-to-school tips:

  • Divide the back-to-school shopping between the two parents, in order for both to enjoy this experience.
  • For younger children, both parents should try to join together to participate in milestone events for the child, such as seeing them off for the first day of school.
  • Develop a sound plan to make sure the child moves between homes with all the clothing, uniforms, books, and homework they need in their other home.
  • Choose the child’s activities together, and do not plan activities that take place during the other parent’s time.
  • During or after a divorce it is essential not to overschedule children with activities. Children need to spend time with each parent, and it is important for parents to have time to relax and have fun with their children.

Unlike traditional divorce, Collaborative Divorce gives couples more control over the outcome of their separation. Rather than having a judge decide the family’s future through litigation, Collaborative Divorce allows couples to make flexible agreements that address the financial, psychological and legal aspects of divorce. In addition to often being less expensive than a traditional divorce, Collaborative Divorce takes the entire family into account.

Additionally, the Collaborative process is a popular alternative for those who don’t want the details of their divorce to be made public. This client-focused method is becoming increasingly popular with divorce attorneys who want to help make divorce less contentious and painful for families.

To learn more about collaborative divorce process, visit www.collaborativedivorce.com
CCDG members are available for in-person and telephone interviews.

CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

Podcast: Dr. Ducharme on How to Avoid Conflict When Talking Kids to Your Ex-Spouse

August 22, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

wrch.radio.com/FreeTherapyThursday-PsychologistDrElaineDucharme

Is Divorce Seasonal? Research Shows Spike in Divorce Filings in August

August 13, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

For Immediate Release
Aug. 13, 2019

 

Local Expert: Collaborative Divorce Takes Whole Family Approach to Resolving Conflict

HARTFORD, Conn.; Aug. 13, 2019 – Vacations, outdoor events, the beginning of a new school year – for many, August is synonymous with family time. But for some, this month marks the season for divorce. Research from the University of Washington found the number of divorce filings in a number of states consistently peaked in the months of August and March. What’s behind the seasonal up-tick? Several factors could be at play.

“Rather than a time of fun, relaxation and parent-child bonding, holidays and vacations can lead to stress and disappointment as children and divorcing or divorced co-parents discover that these departures from the regular parenting schedule exacerbate existing difficulties or conflicts in the co-parenting relationship,” said Wendy Habelow, Ph.D., a divorce coach and child specialist with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG), a Hartford-based group of professionals that aims to keep these divorcing couples and their children out of court, using a popular method of family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce.

Unlike traditional divorce, Collaborative Divorce gives couples more control over the outcome of their separation. Rather than having a judge decide the family’s future through litigation, Collaborative Divorce allows couples to make flexible agreements that address the financial, psychological and legal aspects of divorce. In addition to often being less expensive than a traditional divorce, Collaborative Divorce takes the entire family into account.

“Traditional litigated divorce does little to help co-parents navigate their conflicts.  In contrast, Collaborative Divorce provides co-parents with a model for how to resolve difference respectfully, amicably and in a child-focused manner,” Dr. Habelow said. “Husbands and wives divorce, but parents never do.”

The Collaborative team is often made up of a lawyer a financial expert and a mental health specialist. These jointly retained specialists help couples navigate divorce and negotiate solutions that are mutually beneficial. The Collaborative process is a popular alternative for those who don’t want the details of their divorce to be made public. This client-focused method is becoming increasingly popular with divorce attorneys who want to help make divorce less contentious and painful for families.

To learn more about collaborative divorce process, visit www.collaborativedivorce.com
CCDG members are available for in-person and telephone interviews.

CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

 

###

CCDG Divorce Expert Offers Tips for Families During National Child Centered Divorce Month

August 13, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Financial Aspects of Divorce, Support, Uncategorized/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.
Read more

Holiday Tips After Divorce

December 13, 2018/in Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

https://wrch.radio.com/blogs/mary-scanlon/dr-elaine-ducharme-holiday-tips-after-divorce

Benefits of Collaborative Divorce Television Interview

July 31, 2017/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

The benefits of Collaborative Divorce

Spotlite: Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG)

January 24, 2017/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support, Uncategorized/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

Spotlite: Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG)

 

Collaborative Practice as a Spiritual Practice

September 28, 2016/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Jennifer Davis
 Collaborative Practice as a Spiritual Practice

What do we think about as practitioners when we consider adding or maintaining a collaborative component to our overall law practice? Certainly there are the basic considerations of marketing and cost-effectiveness that make any practice component financially justifiable and for many, the analysis may end there. Beyond that, however, there is the lure of creating alternatives that support and empower a client through a difficult time. I’m writing here of a collaborative practice that permits the practitioner to reach deep into one’s self to access curiosity, generosity and empathy in order to create solutions that satisfy not only the deeper needs of the client, but as well, allows the practitioner to experience a spiritual satisfaction that goes far beyond bottom line considerations.

Divorce for many clients can be a defining moment: it can be a time of taking stock, of reflecting upon one’s choices, of admitting to mistakes, of acknowledging historical patterns, of exploring new, previously unthought-of directions, of experiencing sometimes frightening emotional highs and lows. At its very best, the divorce process can present an opportunity for the client to have a deeply spiritual experience. I’m not talking here about a traditional religious experience but of one that expands the individual’s awareness of their own human spirit. To be part of that growth and to nurture its nascent roots within a collaborative paradigm is the privilege of the practitioner. By accessing one’s own generosity and compassion as support for the client, the practitioner as well has an opportunity for personal spiritual growth through the guidance of the client’s journey.

Clients come to the practitioner vulnerable and in distress. To say that they are not at their best is an understatement. They are being divorced from, or they are realizing that they will have less time with their children, or that the financial stability to which they’ve grown accustomed will be altered. Despite their stated willingness to enter into the collaborative process, there is a piece in them that is angry, resentful, afraid, tentative, defensive and reactive. They listen with acceptance to the theory of interests-based negotiation but at heart, they have a firmly seated personal position of fairness and justice. At the beginning, theirs is a surface acceptance of the collaborative paradigm and not a deeper understanding of the spiritual shifts that can be brought on by a collaborative negotiation. It is incumbent upon the practitioner to recognize this, and to understand that clients are often at the moment of signing the collaborative agreement unready to explore the potential of their evolving stories. They are not ready to give up the old trajectory of their lives and live in a new direction, and this presents a unique challenge to the collaborative practitioner that is not presented to the mediator or the litigator. It is at this point that the collaborative practitioner is invited into the client’s life and to be a part of the evolving story.  This then is the challenge for the practitioner: to teach, to coach, to truly collaborate with the client and with the team, to create a result that responds to the deep needs of all the participants.

This is not about boundaries. A spiritual collaborative practice doesn’t require that we literally live our client’s journey. Rather, it is about the practitioner’s ability to open one’s heart, still the space, quiet the mind and listen, to ask questions and seek deeper responses as interests – true interests – are developed. St. Thomas Aquinas said, “Fear is such a powerful emotion for humans that when we allow it to take us over, it drives compassion right out of our hearts.” The client’s world of divorce is based in fear – fear of loss, fear of the unknown, fear of sorrow. Therefore, clients will always push toward a resolution but the practitioner may guide the negotiation away from neat and tidy resolutions and toward a deeper understanding of the client’s journey. As litigators, we are all about nurturing the fear and developing our postures. The collaborative practitioner’s role here is to hold tight to compassion, and to guide the client past the fear and into a place of options.

Recently, I’ve begun to consider the impact of a collaborative practice as well as the impact of compromise of collaborative principles upon the emotional life of the practitioner. Is it possible that a collaborative practice can impact us at a spiritual level, at its height enriching and empowering us as practitioners as well as individuals while when compromised leaving us longing and dissatisfied?  I have come to believe that if we invest ourselves fully into the collaborative paradigm, we as practitioners can emerge with a deeper, more thoughtful understanding of human nature and thus, of ourselves.

By fully embracing the collaborative paradigm as practitioners, we have the opportunity to truly reach inside of ourselves and give to our clients the very best of our skills and the very best of our selves. Rather than provide them “with the answer” we instead strive to create an environment that allows the clients to determine the answer for themselves. Spiritually, this isn’t a new concept.  Consider Matthew 4:19 – “Give a person a fish, and you feed that person for a day. Teach people to fish, and you feed the people for a lifetime.” The creation of a truly collaborative environment, one based upon identification with interests and not with positions, has the potential to enrich all who participate, professional as well as client, as we build upon an interrelated experience of interests-based negotiation.

The generosity of the collaborative practitioner, then, is to create and maintain such an environment. The client seeks a path to a goal, and this leads to position-based negotiations. Instead, the collaborative environment as guided by the practitioner says with every step we have arrived because with every step, we are addressing your interests. Maintaining a focus on interests and on being present enhances the collaborative experience for all participants – including the practitioner. It allows the collaborative team to experience a richness in the negotiation that is missing from a position-based negotiation which demands compromise in order to move forward. It is fulfilling and satisfying to all. In working through the collaborative paradigm for a client’s divorce, the practitioner can recognize and confront deep personal fears, making us more aware as individuals of our own motivations. Our role, then, is to keep the collaborative paradigm open, present and functioning. That role can easily become part of our spiritual practice for daily lives as we focus on being present and being open in our day to day activities.

As we strive toward a spiritually-based practice, our failures – those seemingly inevitable cases which seek to rush to judgment to just get it done – can sap our energy and cause us to question not only our skills but collaborative practice as a whole. As practitioners, we experience frustration and loss when a collaborative matter moves inexorably from interests-based to position-based negotiation and we are unable to redirect the negotiation back into the collaborative paradigm. However as we as individuals continue grow in our collaborative experience, I believe that practitioners will become more trusting of themselves, of their intuition and of their power within the team and that maintaining focus within the paradigm will become second nature. As we experience success within the collaborative paradigm, we become more confident. The personalities and challenges of the individual client, whether our own or from the “other side”, present no conflict for us to address because we begin to hear them through a filter of compassion and generosity.

For me, the success of any collaborative negotiation builds my confidence that I am moving in the right direction for my own growth as a practitioner and as a human. Negotiations that fail to stay within the paradigm are lessons to be learned from. But the deeper questions of the negotiation stay with me always: am I being open, am I present? What is the filter through which I am hearing this individual? Am I judging the action, or am I hearing the experience? Am I judging the individual, or am I holding a space for this individual to grow? Am I contributing to the balance of equality among all the participants? Is it necessary that I speak here? These are lessons that go with me daily through my life, and form a springboard for my personal spiritual practice.

Jennifer E. Davis has been a practicing attorney for 30 years, with a focus in family law for the entire time. She has been a mediator since 1996 and was collaboratively trained in 2005. When she is not working or writing, she trains her dogs to compete in agility and canine scent work. JDavisLaw.com

HOW TO MANAGE THE MADNESS OF MOVING AFTER DIVORCE – WHAT STEPS TO TAKE TO REDUCE STRESS ON CHILDREN–

September 13, 2016/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Robert B. Fried

HOW TO MANAGE THE MADNESS OF MOVING AFTER DIVORCE

-WHAT STEPS TO TAKE TO REDUCE STRESS ON CHILDREN–

 

(HARTFORD, CT)- March 28, 2013– Disruption in routine and residence are two changes that come with any divorce.  For children of divorcing parents this shift in schedule can be especially stressful if not managed properly.   Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG) is a resource available to guide families through such transitions.  CCDG is comprised of attorneys, financial and mental health professionals to facilitate an amicable termination of a marriage.

In a traditional case, the Court may be asked to decide what is in the children’s best interests. In a collaborative case, all parties meet and work out an agreement that is truly in the children’s best interests.

 

“When it comes to moves, it is very important that both parents be on the same page when relocating children,” said Attorney Robert Fried. “I usually recommend moves that minimize the disruption for children.“

 

Attorneys and psychologists alike recommend moving during a long holiday break such as summer. It allows for an easier transition and time to meet new friends in the neighborhood.

 

PLAN AHEAD

 

If you can’t wait until summer or other big break, it is helpful to try to do as much planning as possible. Include the kids in some decision making about how the move might go. For example, do they want to have a friend help them unpack their room or pick out some accessories? Do they want to stay with a friend during the day you actually move out of the old home? Getting them involved in re-doing their bedroom is often very helpful. It is important for parents to stress the positives about the move, whenever possible.

 

“It is generally a good idea to have the children out of the house if one parent is moving out first. It is really upsetting for children to see a parent moving out,” advises Psychologist Dr. Elaine Ducharme. “The good thing about collaborative divorce is that parents work together in the best interests of their children.”

 

 

CHOOSING A SCHOOL DISTRICT

 

Often during divorce one parent may move to another school district, thus forcing the need to make a decision about the children’s future. The quality of a school district is one of the issues in determining the children’s best interests but that issue must be considered along with the impact on the children, which include their activities and friends.

 

“For instance, does a child have special needs that are, or are not being met in the present school system,” said Attorney Fried. “Collaboration, not litigation, is the best way to deal with these sensitive issues.”

 

Moving to a new school district can be tough for many children. Therefore, it is really helpful to go to the school ahead of time for a tour and to meet the principal, teacher, counselor whenever possible. They can be instrumental in pairing your child up with a “buddy”.

 

“Most children, especially, the younger ones, do well once they have a friend. Middle school and high school can be more difficult because of the cliques that form,” said Dr. Ducharme. “Moving to a new school is easier at a time when everyone will be new to the school, such as the beginning of middle school or high school.”

 

In collaborative divorce, most couples work really hard to keep things as stable as possible for children. It is not about who gets to choose, but how the parents can solve this issue together. Even if they are divorced, they will always be parents together. The coach, in a collaborative divorce situation, helps parents work on solving problems together in the best interest of their children. After the divorce is final, parents can still return to the coach or another parenting specialist to make sure they can continue to parent together.

 

WHEN IS THERAPY NECESSARY?

 

Every family is different and the needs of a particular child may differ; even children in the same family.   The collaborative process is more attuned and better able to deal with these issues, discuss them in group conferences with the attorneys and other professionals such as a “coach” who is trained to work with families in distress and help them move forward with less disruption than a traditional divorce.

 

“Therapy is necessary only if the child continues to struggle after several months,” adds Dr. Ducharme.  “Kids are typically quite resilient, but it’s important that parents pay close attention to prolonged struggles their kids encounter.”

 

CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com.

 

 

HOW TO HELP COLLEGE KIDS COPE WITH DIVORCING PARENTS – IMPACT OF EMPTY NEST DIVORCE DYNAMIC

September 13, 2016/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce/by Attorney Robert B. Fried

HOW TO HELP COLLEGE KIDS COPE WITH DIVORCING PARENTS

–IMPACT OF EMPTY NEST DIVORCE DYNAMIC–

 

(HARTFORD, CT)- September 30, 2013– When there are problems in a marriage, children are often the glue that holds couples together.  However, increasingly once the kids fly the coop, their parents undergo some life changes of their own, taking a closer look at divorce.

In fact, there is a growing trend of empty nesters going their separate ways. According to a March 2012 paper, “The Gray Divorce Revolution,” by researchers at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio, in 1990, fewer than 1 in 10 individuals who divorced were 50 or older. Almost 20 years later, that number jumped to more than 1 in 4. In 2009, more than 600,000 people ages 50 and over got divorced, reported the Wall Street Journal in July 2013.

Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG) is an organization that can serve as a guide through the divorce process for the entire family. CCDG is comprised of attorneys, financial and mental health professionals, who can help facilitate a divorce that minimizes financial, emotional trauma.

Many college-age children can still be traumatized by divorce, especially if parents are involved in nasty litigation. As a result of divorce, the collegiate may have to secure more student loans or even change educational plans. The stable home environment, so necessary for college-aged children, is gone. Where do they go for the Holidays; where are their bedrooms; where is their security as the divorce plays out?

 

“Some college students, as a result of the lack of stability at home just choose to disengage from the family as much as possible,” said Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Elaine Ducharme. “They go elsewhere for school breaks and/or become more involved with a boyfriend or girlfriend rather than their own family.”

 

Collaborative divorce allows parents to discuss what is really important for children and their various needs, including college. The key is to minimize the effect of children being caught in the middle of parent’s arguments and disagreements about issues such as college tuition.

 

On the flip side, sometimes divorce can be a relief to kids who have spent a lifetime enduring bitterness and battling. During the process it is essential not to confide in your child as a friend, even if the child is an adult.

 

“Let them be children and support them to the best of your ability. Help them understand that you know they may feel torn and you will not resent time spent with the other parent,” said Dr. Ducharme.   “College kids can’t be court ordered to see parents as part of a custody plan. When kids see parents cooperating in a collaborative divorce process, they are far more likely to be able to maintain a good relationship with both parents.”

 

From a financial perspective, when divorcing older in life, pensions, 401k’s and other retirement accounts must be reviewed. For example, if one of the spouses “the participant spouse” has been employed by a government entity or corporation and has a substantial pension benefit, and the other spouse “the non- participant spouse” does not have substantial retirement assets, it is probable that an equitable portion of the pension benefit will be assigned to the other spouse.  These assignments are made by Court orders usually referred to Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) or Domestic Relations Order (DRO).

 

“Many spouses now participate in defined contribution accounts such as 401ks and Traditional and Roth Individual Retirement Accounts (IRA’s),” said Attorney Pat Farrell. “These accounts can also be allocated between the parties. Careful consideration must be given to the tax ramifications and penalty provisions of these accounts.  The spouse

should be fully informed of these issues prior to a settlement agreement or court order.”

 

Alimony, also referred to as spousal support is another issue to be negotiated. The Court must consider a number of statutory criteria in determining how much alimony is equitable and in determining the length of alimony. These criteria include the length of marriage, the incomes of the parties as well as earning capacity, the source of the acquisition of marital assets; the ability to acquire assets in the future, the health of the parties, the ages of the parties and if substantially different how that impacts on future earnings, how many more years and the causes for the breakdown of the marriage.

 

“The Court has the discretion to weigh these considerations as the Court deems appropriate in making decisions regarding alimony and allocation of assets,” said Attorney Farrell. “Social Security is controlled by federal law.  A spouse has a right to claim on a prior spouse’s social security earnings record if the parties were married for more than ten years.”

 

Under the present law in Connecticut, child support is paid until a child turns age 18, or graduates from high school, whichever event is later, but in no event later than a child’s 19th birthday.  The law does provide for Post- Secondary Education Support, which addresses college expenses.  Should an order be made now to decide how college will be paid?  Or with younger children, the Court often retains jurisdiction to enter college orders in the years immediately before attending college, at which time there is more information about the children’s college preferences and costs, as well as the parents’ respective ability to pay.

 

Perhaps most important when children are concerned is the adjustment to life after divorce and maintaining an amicable relationship for all parties involved.

 

“It is far better if you take responsibility for your own “stuff” and not throw a lot of blame at your partner,” adds Dr. Ducharme. “This is yet another reason why collaborative divorce is an option well worth exploring.”

 

CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills.  For more information visit: www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com.

 

 

Collaborative Divorce Unites Rather Than Divides

June 29, 2016/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Financial Aspects of Divorce, Support, Uncategorized/by Attorney Robert B. Fried

COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE UNITES RATHER THAN DIVIDES

–ALTERNATIVE APPROACH TO DIVORCE HELPS ALIGN PROFESSIONALS OF VARIOUS DISCIPLINES-

 

(HARTFORD, CT)- June 13, 2013- When many people think about the professionals managing divorce, they only envision attorneys.  Presently though, some of the most amicable divorces are achieved through an approach known as collaborative divorce.  It reduces stress for the individuals separating by surrounding them with a support system including attorneys, mental health and financial professionals.

“Traditional divorce is adversarial”, said Attorney Jule Crawford.  “So often, this often leads to bitter court battles where each side wants to win no matter the cost.”

 

Attorney Crawford is a member of Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG).  She says that collaborative divorce humanized her practice by taking the demon out of divorce. The collaborative approach sets up a method for the two divorcing people to start a dialogue, not about who did what wrong that killed the marriage, but to map out the changes that the divorce will necessitate.

 

Attorney Crawford’s collaborative group is multidisciplinary.   Members are trained and experienced in finance, law or mental health.  As a result, she can offer clients a team of neutrals professionally trained in their field to help them make good parenting and financial decisions, while she and the other lawyer can guide them through the legal process.

 

“I have been amazed over and over again that grown adults feel they lose all control over their own lives when they enter into a traditional divorce,” she said.  “I think the collaborative process is all about giving people the tools and guidance they need to be active problem solvers to craft their agreement in a way that best suits themselves, each other, and their children.”

 

Dr. Abby Cole offers a mental health perspective.  As a divorce coach, collaborative divorce has pretty much become a second career, eclipsing her psychotherapy practice. It allows Dr. Cole the pleasure of working more interactively with colleagues, and the satisfaction of offering what she considers to be preventative mental health interventions.

 

“Instead of spending years in psychotherapy cleaning up the detritus of messy divorces, I am able to educate and guide clients towards behaving in more decent and respectable ways,” she said.  “They don’t have to spend years hating ex-spouses, but instead, are able to craft workable solutions for their families.”

 

Financial Advisor Jim Russell sees the same benefits. Originally when he started working in the divorce field, he was involved through the litigation model.  He spent half his time preparing multiple requests for information, reviewing what information was missing, preparing and attending depositions and testifying in cases.  Many times because the cases were so adversarial his participation would not be productive as it could be.

 

Parties choosing collaborative divorce avoid the need for depositions and going to court for contested hearings.  In addition, the parties voluntarily exchange requested documents and avoid motions and court appearances to obtain those documents.

 

“In spending my time in the right areas and looking at various options that can be brainstormed in a group setting, we often get to a better answer that is satisfactory to the clients,” said Russell.  “By focusing my time on working on the real issues with the clients it typically improves their understanding of the issues and a better resolution of the matters occurs for the clients.”

 

Regardless of their differing backgrounds, all of the professionals involved in collaborative divorce agree that the process yields the best results.

 

“I have had a number of collaborative clients compliment each other and say things like  “she is a great mom”,   “ he really was the driving force in building the company we now own together,” said Jim Russell.

 

“Last Christmas I had one recently divorced wife who hosted her former husband for the holiday festivities,” said Dr. Cole.  “Other families are celebrating dance recitals and graduations together, focusing on the accomplishments of their children rather than reviving the resentments of their divorces.”

 

“Without doubt, resolving divorces collaboratively is hard work done in trying times with people at their most fragile.  But there is nothing more rewarding in my eyes than to help a client end a marriage with dignity,” said Attorney Crawford.

CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

Divorcing with Dignity by Psychologist Dr. Elaine Ducharme

April 18, 2011/in Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

http://wrch.cbslocal.com/2011/04/18/divorcing-with-dignity-psychologist-dr-elaine-ducharme/

 

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