Collaborative Divorce: A Route to Happier Holidays During & After Divorce
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Nov. 20, 2019
CCDG’s Divorce Expert Shares Suggestions for More Joyous Holidays During Changes
HARTFORD, Conn; Nov. 20, 2019 – The holiday season is often stressful, and for those going through or having just gone through a divorce or separation, the season can induce even more stress, intensify negative emotions, and accentuate how much their lives have changed. But it is entirely possible to have a joyous and peaceful holiday season, even during a big change in family structure.
By choosing a collaborative divorce, separating parents can create the holiday plan together to determine best options for everyone, focus on the well-being of the children, develop new cheerful traditions, and lay the foundations for having a good working relationship post-divorce.
“By coming to an agreement collaboratively, both parents have input into the holiday schedule instead of having a judge telling parents what the holidays will look like,” said Susan Busby, an attorney with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG). CCDG is a Hartford-based group of professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a method of family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce. “In a Collaborative Divorce, the values and traditions of the parents and the children can be honored and not used as leverage between the parents to get something else, which can happen in traditionally litigated divorces. Working out the holiday plan together is better for the children and for parents. Then everyone can relax and enjoy the holidays.”
With a collaborative team made up of a lawyer, a financial expert and a mental health specialist, parents can create an individualized and detailed collaborative agreement that best suits their family’s needs.
Busby suggests maintaining traditions as much as possible so that the children’s experience of the holidays changes as little as possible. “Even with large extended families and multiple days and times of family visits, the parenting plan can include all of it so the children don’t miss out,” she said. “Parents may decide to celebrate together; there are no rules against this. Where traditions cannot be maintained, however, I encourage parents to create new traditions, maybe something they have wanted to try out. I also suggest having detailed holiday plans so that if either parent remarries, he or she is not caught between old and new spouses and can refer back to the parenting plan as needed.”
With the input of mental health professionals, the collaborative process can also focus on coping strategies, new traditions, and alternative plans for the parent without family time on a major holiday who may be alone and feeling sad.
“Not seeing your children on a holiday can be devastating for parents,” Busby said. “Alternative dates, celebrating together, and splitting holidays are all ways to try to resolve this but sometimes both parents still want the same day and don’t want to spend time together. The parent without parenting time may be alone and can be reminded of the great loss of family time. I counsel parents not to discuss any discontent about the plan with the children to avoid having them worry about the other parent. Children are not concerned with the date on a calendar when it comes to spending time with a parent and/or getting presents.”
The collaborative process is all encompassing and also includes financial professionals who help guide parents through challenges with spending and gifting so as not to compete with each other. The whole collaborative team helps couples navigate divorce with dignity and discretion, discuss their issues in a safe environment, and learn new communication and problem-solving techniques to negotiate solutions that are mutually beneficial.
And these reminders can help those struggling with the holidays:
- Acknowledge everyone’s feelings about changes and loss of some traditions.
- Try to avoid conflict. Plan ahead. If you’re getting along well with your ex, it may be possible for the two of you to have one holiday gathering with your kids. But if there’s any risk of conflict don’t try this. Plan your own celebration. Be clear about hours of pick up and drop off.
- Let kids have some input: Ask them what traditions are really important to them and try to maintain some of them.
- Help kids get gifts for the other parent. But don’t try to outdo the other parent with gifts.
- Remember each year is an opportunity to create new memories.
- As a parent, take care of yourself too.
Unlike a litigated divorce, Collaborative Divorce gives couples more control over the outcome of their separation. Rather than having a judge decide the family’s future through litigation, Collaborative Divorce allows couples to make flexible agreements that address the financial, psychological and legal aspects of divorce. In addition to often being less expensive than a litigated divorce, Collaborative Divorce takes the entire family into account.
To learn more about collaborative divorce process, visit www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com. CCDG members are available for in-person and telephone interviews.
CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com
