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Dr. Elaine Ducharme’s Tips to Keep Men Emotionally & Physically Healthy

June 15, 2022/in Collaborative Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

By Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

Dozens of studies over the past several decades have shown that men of all ages and ethnicities are less likely than women to seek help for all sorts of problems, including physical and emotional issues. This is often generational. Boys learn from their dads who learned from their dads that talking about emotions or even getting treatment for physical problems may be a sign of weakness. They worry that colleagues, friends and employers will look down on any man that does not just tough it out. Many learn to suppress sad emotions or even facial expressions. Unfortunately, these emotions then get redirected into anger and can lead to ineffective coping skills that impact overall health and even relationships.

Men are far more likely to seek help for problems they see as normative…problems that other men share. Education campaigns can help. Men are now much more likely to see a doctor about erectile dysfunction because advertisements have led to increased public awareness. The Collaborative Divorce process encourages men to talk about their own reactions to divorce and develop healthier styles of communication.

Here are 4 tips to help our men stay healthy:

  1. Start early and make sure our young boys know it is okay to talk about their feelings and get help when needed.
  2. Provide feelings charts for our children and encourage the use of a variety of words to describe how their emotions.
  3. Help to normalize both physical and emotional problems. Talk about it with your male friends. Ask if they have received their routine exams.
  4. Encourage employers and places men frequent such as barber shops, religious institutions and even bars to provide educational materials that help men learn about the frequency of both physical and mental health issues and normalize getting help.

Why Many Couples Opt for Collaborative Divorce

March 21, 2022/in Collaborative Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Brenda Larkin, CDFA

Collaborative Divorce is a team approach that resolves disputes without going to court. Beyond avoiding the high cost and stress of high conflict litigation, there are countless benefits to this style of divorce. Collaborative is a civil and mature approach to divorce that simultaneously recognizes the end of a marriage and the continuing relationship, obligations and responsibilities, especially if children are involved.

  • Privacy: The process, discussion and negotiation details are kept confidential. This is a stark difference to a litigated divorce in court that becomes a matter of public record (and sometimes media attention).
  • Communication: The process is designed to facilitate communication using a team of Collaborative specialists, including mental health professionals, who educate and assist you and your spouse on how to effectively communicate with each other rather than a conventional divorce with no communication process involved.
  • Cost: This is a comparably quick and affordable divorce process with a model that is financially efficient rather than litigation in which costs are unpredictable and can escalate rapidly.

Collaborative Divorce aims to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court, which encourages mutual respect and prioritizes the needs of children. Contact any CCDG member to learn more.

Co-parenting 101: Co-parenting Through the Holidays

December 15, 2021/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Kathryn Bissonnette

Attorney Kathryn Bissonnette

By Attorney Kathryn Bissonnette

The holidays are a stressful time for everyone, but especially for families that are experiencing a change in family dynamics due to a divorce or custody case. For the children in the middle of a divorce or custody action, the holidays can seem unbearable. Depending on their ages, children may feel any number of emotions: They might be worried about the feelings of the parent who they are not spending the holiday with; they may be scared Santa won’t find them if they are at the other parent’s house or at a new home; and in a worst case scenario, they might be fearful that their parents will fight and that the police will be called. The good news is that there are a number of things parents can do to help their children experience the warmth and happiness of the holiday season without all the chaos and anxiety. Here are some tips and considerations to think about when creating your new normal for the holidays.

  1. Be proactive when creating your holiday schedule: In a divorce or custody action, you will be asked to put together a list of the holidays that are meaningful to your family. You will then be asked to propose a schedule for how your children will share those holidays with your co-parent. A good holiday schedule should include the designation of the holiday, what times the child transitions will take place, where the transitions will take place, and which parent enjoys that time with the children each year.

When putting together your holiday schedule proposal, think about what traditions are most meaningful to you, with the understanding that some of these traditions may be equally as meaningful to your co-parent, or not meaningful at all to them. For example, if your family celebrates Christmas Eve each year, consider your co-parent having the children on Christmas afternoon each year and alternating the Christmas morning time. The important thing here is to be very mindful of transition times. Your children don’t want to get up from the dinner table with all their cousins on Thanksgiving to transition to the other parent- so consider making Thanksgiving a one-day holiday that is alternated each year.

There are many different ways to create a holiday schedule, so be creative and think about the impacts that your decisions may have on the children’s holidays.

  1. As always, be respectful to your co-parent: Don’t ruin you children’s holiday because you can’t help yourself and feel the need to have a high-tension conversation with your co-parent on Easter Sunday, in the middle of a parking lot, while transitioning the kids. Say hello to your co-parent, hug and kiss your kids goodbye, and tell them to have a good time. Then get in your car and drive away. As hard as it can feel to you emotionally, it really is that simple to keep your kids happy.
  1. New Traditions are ok! With divorce or separation comes the need to develop new traditions, which can actually be a fun thing for your kids. Your kids won’t know that they picked out their Christmas tree on a different day than you used do it. All they will remember is how big the tree was and that they hung their favorite ornament. Don’t get bogged down with the details. Even if you now have your children every other weekend, there is still plenty of time to celebrate all your traditions. And just think, now you don’t have to worry about who is going to watch your kids while you shop for, and wrap, their presents! Send them along to your co-parent, shop away, and enjoy the quite time wrapping gifts with a cup of hot cocoa.

How to Cope with Increasing Covid Fatigue as Winter Approaches

December 8, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.
By Elaine Ducharme Ph.D, ABPP

We have all been dealing with the many consequences of Covid for over seven months. As winter approaches and the numbers of cases continue to rise, it seems that Covid fatigue is just getting worse.

People are frustrated, tired, angry, and sad. Very little feels like normal. Life seems all the more difficult by small, routine things such as greeting dear friends without hugs, always being super conscious of hygiene, and the uncertainty of when this will end.

These circumstances can be particularly troubling for parents who are separating or divorced. Each household may have different levels of comfort about who the child can be around, whether or not to choose home schooling or in person learning, and how to manage child care when both parents are working, even from home. If divorced couples had trouble working together before Covid, it has probably become even more difficult.

It is really important to take control where you can. So, as an individual and head of your own household, here are a few tips to help you feel better during these trying times:

  1. Get outside as much as possible…bundle up and sit around a fire pit
  2. Make this the year you try new outdoor activities: snow shoeing or cross country skiing
  3. Eat well, get enough sleep and use meditation
  4. Try to learn something new…a language, knitting, etc.
  5. Reach out and help someone else: Do their marketing, read to their kids, or offer anything else that gives them a break
  6. Be grateful. There actually have been many very positive things that have happened because of Covid: family time together, less stress from the office drama, shorter commutes…
  7. Remember to laugh. This is so important. Even smiling allows our bodies to release dopamine, a feel good chemical.

Life may seem more complicated as the holidays approach. People are being asked to avoid big gatherings and celebrations. But just as we have seen so many people being creative about big birthdays, graduations, weddings, and other special events, I think we can find ways to make the holidays special — different, but special.

Here are a few ideas to make the holidays fun this year:

  1. Everyone make the same but brand-new dish
  2. Everyone make a dish and exchange it with another family member or friend. It is easy to safely leave on someone’s porch.
  3. Utilize video chat:
    • Do cooking and meal preparation together
    • All join together to share a few moments of gratitude
    • Decorate your houses together
    • Read The Night Before Christmas or another favorite story
    • Light the Chanukah candles together
  4. Set your daily intention to be positive and again, remember to use humor and laugh.

Many divorced or separating couples who have participated in the Collaborative Divorce process will have a divorce coach who can help them navigate through these difficult times.

And as always, if you find yourself really struggling with feeling sad or anxious, ask for help. Reach out to and talk to a psychologist…the side effects are a better life.

Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

CCDG Psychologist Habelow on Divorce & Holidays: Parents Must Work Together to Help Children Cope

December 1, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

In normal circumstances, separating or divorcing families face new and daunting challenges during the holidays. This year is even more complicated. When it comes to divorce and the holiday season, consider how a Collaborative Divorce may be be particularly effective for families, children and the parents who may be alone.  

“In non-Covid times, the holidays are opportunities for children to have individual time with each parent, continue old traditions perhaps in slightly new ways, or create new traditions. Creating new traditions teaches children that different isn’t good or bad, it’s just different, and we don’t need to fear new experiences.

During Covid, I think there is hardly a person who won’t be doing something different this year, whether it’s not traveling to see family or friends, getting together outside or with far fewer people, or not getting together with anyone at all. Hopefully we will be in a far better position this time next year and we can resume much of life as we knew it before Covid.

In the meantime, if parents are sad or disappointed that their plans need to change, that can be difficult for children to see unless they also see parents working to cope positively with their uncomfortable emotions. There are news stories every week chronicling the significant spikes in rates of anxiety and depression among children and teenagers. All parents, divorced or not, need to work together to help children cope productively with all of the ramifications of Covid. If parents or children are experiencing worry, sadness, irritability, or anger that is more than usual and not going away, they should seek behavioral heath support and treatment.”

CCDG Attorney Donna Buttler on Mental Illness Awareness Week: Collaborative Divorce Benefits the Whole Family

October 13, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Donna L. Buttler

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. When it comes to divorce when mental illness is involved, a Collaborative Divorce attorney might be able to work differently with clients who have mental health issues.

Attorney Donna Buttler

“Support for the individual who is mentally or emotional compromised is inherent in the Collaborative process. The mental health professional attends all sessions to look out for their needs as well as an individualized attorney advocate to provide legal support,” said CCDG attorney Donna Buttler. “The Collaborative method creates a circle of privacy as well as support for the individual who may have more difficulty coping with the emotions of a divorce, coupled with the need to negotiate in a reasonable manner. Contrast that with litigation and the need to put an emotionally compromised individual on a witness stand to essentially drill them for information in an utterly confusing situation and it is apparent how the collaborative process is beneficial to the entire family.”

CCDG Attorney Donna Buttler on Mental Illness Awareness Week: Collaborative Divorce Benefits the Whole Family

October 7, 2020/in Announcements, Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Donna L. Buttler

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. When it comes to divorce when mental illness is involved, a Collaborative Divorce attorney might be able to work differently with clients who have mental health issues.

Attorney Donna Buttler

“Support for the individual who is mentally or emotional compromised is inherent in the Collaborative process. The mental health professional attends all sessions to look out for their needs as well as an individualized attorney advocate to provide legal support,” said CCDG attorney Donna Buttler. “The Collaborative method creates a circle of privacy as well as support for the individual who may have more difficulty coping with the emotions of a divorce, coupled with the need to negotiate in a reasonable manner. Contrast that with litigation and the need to put an emotionally compromised individual on a witness stand to essentially drill them for information in an utterly confusing situation and it is apparent how the collaborative process is beneficial to the entire family.”

 

CCDG Psychologist Wendy Habelow on Mental Illness Awareness Week: Collaborative is ‘Divorce With Dignity’

October 6, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. When considering divorce when mental illness is involved, Collaborative Divorce can be a very successful approach.

Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow

“Collaborative is thought of as ‘divorce with dignity,’ where respect, patience and compassion are central tenets of the approach and process. These tenets are especially evident when one of the partners struggles with mental health issues,” said CCDG psychologist Wendy Habelow. “Mental health diagnoses do not preclude someone from being a loving, capable parent. In a Collaborative Divorce, partners are able to discuss mental health conditions and needs with safety and understanding, without fear of it being used against them in court. Care and attention can be given to ensure that a partner’s mental health needs are being treated appropriately, that they are following treatment recommendations, and that there is a plan in place for the care of children should that partner’s symptoms significantly worsen. These plans might include temporarily changing the parenting schedule if a parent needs time alone or a treatment program, therapeutic support for children who may have questions about what has happened to their beloved parent, and educating both the individual and the partner about how to best manage a chronic illness. The Collaborative Process has at its core a team of professionals with experience in helping families to reconfigure successfully and for the long-term. In particular, the team has a behavioral health specialist whose expertise can be called upon to help families living with mental illness adjust to the new normal of a divorce both during the process and after the divorce is finalized.”

Back to School is Especially Tough for Warring Spouses, And It’s Even Worse During Pandemic

September 9, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Deborah R. Eisenberg

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Sept. 9, 2020

 

Collaborative Divorce Can Help Parents Find Fair Resolution in These Complex Circumstances

HARTFORD, Conn; Sept. 9, 2020 – Even in the best of times, going back to school in the fall is a challenge for kids and parents, and it is especially hard for those families starting school after a divorce because they face new uncertainties at home and school.

Typical back to school stress for divorced or divorcing parents includes coordinating new childcare arrangements and bus schedules, figuring out which parent is responsible for packing or paying for lunches, which parent is responsible for buying clothing and school supplies. Dividing up this responsibility is complex. And this year, these stressors are compounded given the pandemic circumstances because many children are home doing online learning for part or all of the week.

Now these parents also have the added responsibility of rearranging their work schedules, buying additional school supplies and setting up for school at home. Parents of children with special needs must scramble to ensure their children get the necessary services and those with high schoolers may leave their children home alone, but then worry if their teenagers are participating in online learning as required.

“If childcare was challenging for divorced parents before Covid, it is now a nightmare,” said attorney Deborah Eisenberg with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG), a group of attorneys, financial professionals and behavioral health professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a team approach to family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce. “Some parents must now find daycare providers or other responsible third parties who will not only take care of their children during the school day, but also supervise their remote learning and homework. These challenges are difficult enough for intact families to work out, but it can be near impossible for warring spouses.”

One way for separated or divorcing parents to mitigate that stress and come up with a fair and workable solution for the new schooling landscape is through Collaborative Divorce, which offers a mechanism for parents to negotiate and resolve these types of parenting issues. Collaborative Divorce is an alternative dispute resolution process with professionals trained to assist and promote communications and settlement outside the court process. Divorcing parties meet and work toward a comprehensive resolution of all issues and organize it into a written document signed by the parties.

“All custodial and financial disputes are settled outside of court through a series of settlement conferences attended by the two spouses, their respective attorneys, a mental health professional who serves as a divorce coach, and, if needed, a financial neutral,” said Eisenberg. “Cases are settled by interest-based negotiation, staying away from hard-line positional arguing. The goal of the team is to develop a parenting plan that is tailored to the needs of the particular family and satisfies both parents’ interests and concerns.”

In some cases, a coach experienced in family-related issues works independently with the parents to carve out detailed parenting schedules and conditions that might otherwise be wholly absent in conventional divorces. In fact, a Collaborative Divorce can specifically address these unique and current stressors such as identifying appropriate childcare, adjusting parents’ work schedules, allocating responsibility for monitoring online learning and homework, and interfacing with school personnel. The parenting plan developed in a Collaborative Divorce is worked out in a team setting with everyone in agreement, which is far more effective both logistically and emotionally. The alternative is conventional litigation, which is generally adversarial and much less detail driven.

While many divorce cases were put on hold at the beginning of the pandemic and lockdown, divorces can now be filed, processed and finalized remotely – from start to finish. There are new court forms on the judicial website to assist parties in preparing their agreements, both as to custody agreements and financial agreements. And the more cooperation that happens between the parties outside of court, otherwise known as collaboration, the sooner a couple can finalize a divorce – which can also help alleviate some of those compounded stressors.

 

Learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process: www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com. CCDG members are available for interviews.

About CCDG: Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their Collaborative Divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

 

Attorney Deborah Eisenberg

Attorney Deborah Eisenberg

10 Things Parents Should Consider for Back-to-School 2020

August 25, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Financial Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.
By Dr. Elaine Ducharme

Back to School 2020

If this were a normal year, parents would be shouting with joy that their kids were going back to school. If this were a normal year, kids would just be shouting. But this is not a normal year. This is 2020, the year of Covid 19.

The world feels a bit topsy turvy. Parents, who have a primary responsibility to protect their children from harm, are worried that if they send their kids back to school their kids might get sick and die. Or their kids might become carriers of Covid 19 and infect someone else who could get sick and die.

Some schools are not even sure exactly what will happen this year. School districts in the state have had to make three plans: full time in-person learning; full time remote learning; and a hybrid model consisting of some in-school and some remote learning. For parents trying to navigate these uncertain waters, life is difficult and scary. The situation can be even more daunting for divorced or divorcing parents who may have very different ideas about what is best for their child or children.

Here are a few things for parents to keep in mind as they try to figure out what to do.

1. Remember that wearing masks, social distancing and hand washing are the keys to keeping everyone safe. So, check out your school and see what plans they have in place to make sure these rules are strictly followed. For example, find out if they decreasing class size, rotating hours for kids to be in class or walking through the halls.

2. Evaluate your own personal health situation, that of your child (children) and anyone living in your
household. If any of you are in a high-risk category, have conditions such as diabetes or any condition that would weaken the immune system, you might want to consider holding off on in-school learning for a few weeks until we see if the numbers of cases go way up once school starts.

3. If you are unsure about these health issues, check with your medical doctor or pediatrician for guidance.

4. If you are sending your child back to school, make sure the first day of school is not the first day your child has to wear a mask all day long. If you haven’t started practicing at home for extended periods, do so now. For example, have your child wear a mask whenever he or she is on electronics. And pack an extra mask in their backpack.

5. Take advantage of any videos that your school may have showing the set-up of the school and how things will be working this year.

6. Acknowledge your children’s feelings. Encourage them to talk about what they are thinking and worrying about.

7. We know that the social isolation has caused increased depression, drug use and abuse, and even suicide. Watch your children for signs of depression and anxiety. A great resource for parents about this is https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/parents-guide-to-teen-depression.htm

8. If you are divorced or divorcing and you are having difficulty agreeing on what is best for your kids, consider talking to a divorce coach/mediator or parent coordinator. For families who utilized the process of Collaborative Divorce, they already have a divorce coach in place to help them resolve issues when they get stuck.

9. Consider forming small pods if your kids will be staying at home. Small groups of kids/families can help share child care, play activities and even teaching in order to maintain important social interaction.

10. And finally, we know that some families have little choice. Both parents may have to work out of the home and have no alternative care. Please remember to be kind to yourselves. Let go of judging yourself or others. In these uncertain times, we are all doing the best we can. And frankly, that is all we can ask of ourselves or each other.

Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

How to Minimize the Variable Costs in ‘Marital Assets Pie’ During Divorce

August 19, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Financial Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Edward M. Goldberg, CFP, ChFC, CDFA
By Edward Goldberg

I fondly remember the “good ole days.” You know, the days when we would have in person meetings in our conference room with clients without a care about social distancing and wearing masks.

When talking to a couple about the financial aspects of their divorce, specifically division of property, I would draw a large circle on the white board representing the “marital assets pie.” I would typically draw a line down the middle representing that the pie would be split in two pieces, one piece for each spouse. I would clarify that I was not intending to give the impression that the pie would be split into two equal parts, but that more or less, given certain leeway for the particular circumstances of their situation, the pie would be split essentially in two. But then I would carve out another slice – a small slice, but another slice. Yes, I would intone, your pie will actually be split into three slices: one for you (and I would indicate one spouse), one for you (and I would indicate the other spouse), and I would ask the question, “Do you know who gets this third slice?”

Invariably, the answer would come back, “the lawyers?”

Wishing not to blame that entire third slice on only the lawyers, I would say something like, “Well, yes, the lawyers, but also potential court costs, costs of other professionals if needed, like if there is a business interest to be valued or if there are some particularly thorny issues with the tax returns, and so on. But what is interesting is that the most variable of the three slices is actually that third slice. That third slice can be larger or smaller, and of course the larger it is, the less you two have to divide. But the good news is the size of the third slice is largely determined by you!”

So the question then posed to my conference room captives would simply be, “Would you rather that third slice be larger or smaller?”

The answer was always, “Smaller, of course.”

How can you – a future client of mine or of any of the other divorce professionals you might encounter on your journey from a married person to a single person – limit the size of that future slice of the marital assets pie?

So here’s a bit on how to can make that happen.

First, do some homework. While it’s tempting to call a familiar or referred lawyer, choosing that means you will have already made the decision, albeit perhaps unwittingly, about what kind of a divorce you will undergo. Did you know not all divorces have to go to court? Did you know you could mediate your divorce? Are you aware that there is such a type of divorce known as “collaborative,” in which, while you each have your own attorney, it is kept private, polite and out of court? There are also other professionals who work in the field, such as mental health professionals and specially trained financial professionals. Prior to calling the attorneys, you might want to consult with other professionals, particularly those who also work in the field.

Second, be prepared. Gather together the financial information you know that is going to be requested of you – tax returns, brokerage statements, bank statements, mortgage information, 401(k) statements, credit card statements, etc. Ultimately, you will need to fill out a financial affidavit, which requires you to know your expenses. As you pull your financial data together, this will further prepare you for the discussions that will invariably follow. The more you know in advance about your financial circumstances the more quickly and efficiently will the discussions proceed.

Third, build your team. There are a number of people that can support you as you go through this experience. You don’t want to do this by yourself. Those that could help you, lend a shoulder, just be supportive when you need it could be a sibling, a close friend or professionals such as a therapist, your lawyer or a financial professional.

Fourth, be fair. Temper your expectations. Be realistic. One of you will not walk away with the house, all the cash and all the investments. This is, above all, a negotiation. Whether it is a hostile or an amicable negotiation is up to you. But know this: The angrier the process, the more it will cost you. Remember that third slice of the pie? No matter the circumstances that have brought you to this point, it will not serve you well financially to carry your personal loathing of your soon-to-be-ex-partner to the negotiating table. If you need counseling to help you get through this trying time, by all means, seek it out. You need to be sensible as you go through this process.

Lastly, look to the future. This too shall pass. There is a light at the end of this sometimes-dark and troublesome tunnel. The troubles that have brought you to this point are behind you now. Today is indeed the first day of the rest of your new life. Again, look to your support team as you move forward. Consider working with a financial professional to assemble – perhaps for the very first time – your very own financial plan for the future. Most of all, maintain a positive attitude as you begin this next chapter.

And good luck!

 

Edward Goldberg

 

The New Normal: What, If Anything, Can We Expect to be Different in the Judicial System?

July 24, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Felicia Hunt

By Attorney Felicia C. Hunt

Individuals are experiencing unprecedented challenges by not having court as a form of recourse for serious issues they are facing. Although the courthouse doors are open, the limitations on old procedures can leave families feeling that they do not options or the ability to move forward.

With a quick look at some of the changes and some of the services that are available, we at CCDG can help you see that there are paths to resolution.

Even as of the end of July, courthouses are continuing to open back up. However, the day-to-day business in the buildings is still limited to “priority one” matters, which include emergency matters, restraining orders, orders of temporary custody, domestic violence matters, arraignments involving domestic violence cases etc. The full list of priority one matters can be found on the judicial website. https://jud.ct.gov/COVID19.htm

Even though a divorce or custody matter may not qualify as a “priority one” business function, the court administration has continued to expand remote operations. For example, parties can:

  • E-file agreements and request approval without court appearance. When these agreements are approved, they become court orders with the full force and effect of a court order issued after a hearing or trial.
  • E-filed agreements apply to cases that are pending litigation (i.e. temporary orders entered prior to final divorce or final orders) as well as post-judgment matters (orders entered after divorce, such as on a motion for modification).
  • Divorces can now be filed, processed and finalized remotely – from start to finish. There are new court forms on the judicial website to assist parties in preparing their agreements, both as to custody agreements and financial agreements.
  • For parties who come to agreements quickly there are also waivers that can be completed to waive service of process and to waive the statutory waiting period – this can enable a couple to finalize their divorce swiftly.
  • Many of the forms require notarization by a clerk, notary public or commissioner of the superior court. Although the clerk’s office is gradually becoming more available, the Executive Order permitting remote notarization has been extended through September 9, 2020, and offers the opportunity to complete all forms at home.
  • Significantly, the court has recently started scheduling and holding virtual hearings. The virtual hearings are currently limited to matters that require one hour or less and have limited witness testimony and limited documentary evidence. This will create new opportunities for the court to address the many day-to-day struggles that families are facing that do not necessarily fit within the “priority one” list.

It is critical to know that progress CAN happen now, whether it is for a family that recently filed, that is hoping to file soon or that has new post judgment issues to be addressed. There are limitations with the court operations, and it does look different than it did a few months ago, but there are paths to resolve the cases and achieve final court orders. Therefore, the more cooperation that happens between the parties outside of court, otherwise known as collaboration, the more we at CCDG can do to finalize cases and bring families fully through their transitions.

Attorney Felicia C. Hunt

How Divorced Parents Make Healthy Decisions About Children During Covid

July 13, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Laura Renfro, LMFT
By Laura Renfro, LMFT

 

Let’s talk about how you and your former spouse, the only other parent of your children, can make healthy decisions about how to proceed with making mutual decisions regarding next steps for your children during Covid 19. As of the writing of this article, Connecticut’s Gov. Ned Lamont has authorized the opening of schools for the fall 2020. The American Academy of Pediatrics has also recommended opening schools.  
 
Regardless of those segments, you might have strong positive and negative feelings or otherwise conflicting feelings about reopening schools. I suspect your former spouse has conflicting feelings as well. Naturally, you both want to protect your children from any harm. 
 
What happens if you disagree? How can you come to an agreement? How can you ease your worries and those of your children?
  • Start with a healthy and productive dialogue. Consider using video features so you can see one another if you aren’t seeing each other in person.
  • It is best to begin with how you feel about the idea.  Use “I statements” and take time to truly consider why you believe what you believe is best for your kids.  
  • Use good listening skills to hear your former spouse’s opinions and thoughts.  
  • Next, move onto the facts. What is your specific school district planning? And within that context, specifically your child’s elementary, middle or high school doing to ensure the safety of your children? 
  • Continue your dialogue.  Keep the conversation open and productive.  This is the hard part: keep your old feelings about the divorce out of these conversations. This is about your kids, not about your relationship — except as parents to your kids.
  • If you need a third party to help with this difficult conversation, reach out to a family therapist or a mental health professional who can provide co-parent counseling and help you reach an agreement.

YOU are the best people to make a plan for your kids. YOU are the people who can reach agreements and plan for your kids now, 6 months from now, and 6 years from now. YOU’VE got this!

Laura Renfro, LMFT

Laura Renfro, LMFT

Pediatric Behavioral Health Resources in CT

June 1, 2020/in Announcements, Collaborative Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

If you are worried about your child or teen…Help is only a phone call away.

Child and Adolescent Behavioral Health Referral Resources

1.  Mobile Crisis Intervention Services
Free behavioral health crisis services, including suicide assessment (under age 18; for those 18 and older,  refer to adult services)
This service will help identify and connect you with local providers.
DIAL: 2-1-1, press 1 (wait) & press 1 again

2.  Child Development Infoline
Provides access to early childhood development and behavioral health  services through Help Me Grow CT  (for children 8 and under)
DIAL:  800-505-7000       

3.  Call your Pediatrician.  They can request referral information through the ACCESS Mental Health Program if they do not have a recommendation  that meets your child’s needs

Resources for Parents

1.  COVID-19 Hotline
Talk it Out: A new state of CT hotline to help parents and caregivers  decompress from the pressure of caring for children during COVID-19.
DIAL:  833-226-2362

2.  Intimate Partner Violence/Domestic Abuse Line
DIAL:  888-774-2900
LIVE CHAT:  www.CTSafeConnect.org

3.  Postpartum Support International Helpline
DIAL:  800-944-4773
TEXT:  503-894-9453 (English), 971-420-0294 (Spanish)

 

Here’s the full document from the The Child Health and Development Institute of Connecticut:

Pediatric_Behavioral_Health_Resources_Quick_Guide.

Governors order permitting electronic filings allows couples to divorce during pandemic

May 4, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Support, Uncategorized/by Attorney Robert B. Fried

Governor’s order permitting electronic filings allows couples to divorce during pandemic

Tips for Co-Parenting During Social Distancing

April 28, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

West Hartford Psychologist Offers Tips for Coparenting during Social Distancing

Divorced Parents Can Succeed at Coparenting During Social Distancing

April 23, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support, Uncategorized/by Wendy Habelow, Ph.D.

CCDG Licensed Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow Shares Insights
to Help Divorced Parents Cope with the Current Situation

 

HARTFORD, Conn; April 23, 2020 – As Americans struggle to navigate the new reality of social distancing during the Covid 19 pandemic, divorced and separated parents have the added stress of figuring out how to coparent effectively, safely and successfully – for themselves and for their children.

Licensed psychologist Wendy F. Habelow, Ph.D., with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG), a Hartford-based group of professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a team approach to family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce, shares tips to help parents successfully work together to get through the situation.

Question: What have you seen in terms of how this COVID 19 isolation is affecting families that are currently going through a divorce?
Psychologist Wendy F. Habelow, Ph.D.: I think that folks in general are feeling more stressed, with job and financial uncertainty, not being able to see loved ones, having to home school children and, of course, worrying about getting sick. In addition, the courts are closed except for uncontested divorces right now so little is moving forward. Going through divorce is one of the most stressful life events, so to be trying to divorce and possibly still living together during this time, the stress and tension must be very high.

Question: Why or how might this complicate a divorce? What are some ways this could potentially get messy for families?

Wendy F. Habelow: In addition to the uncertainties and stress of life right now, parents may be disagreeing about access to children due to real or imagined threats to children’s health. If there are no court orders, nothing to provide structure, conflict can fester and possibly erupt. 

Question: What would you suggest to those who are starting to go down a messy path?
Wendy F. Habelow: Things work much better if you have two parents who are working cooperatively. Focus on the children, not on each other. Try to remember that what the children want the most is to spend time with both parents and not be around conflict. Allow the children access to both parents in as free and unfettered a manner as possible. Also remember that everyone is stressed now so try to be more patient and tolerant. Also, be mindful that whatever is happening now will be temporary, things will return to normal.

Question: What have you seen in terms of how isolation is affecting families that have already gone through a divorce and are currently struggling or successfully coparenting?
Wendy F. Habelow: I think there is no one good or correct way to get through this difficult time. Each family must do what fits their needs best. Depending on a parent’s job (healthcare worker, first responder, etc.), it may make more sense for children to remain with one parent. Other parents may find that it works well for children to go back and forth between their two homes. Some parents are able to share home school responsibilities while others are not because of work or distance. Clear, respectful communication and flexible structure are key to working out arrangements that care best for children.

Question: What tips can you offer parents to mitigate the anxiety and nervousness they may feel about the situation?
Wendy F. Habelow: Remain focused on the present and what is in your control, not on the future and what is not in your control. Don’t watch too much television or read too much, stay informed but don’t overload on information. Meditate, exercise safely, sleep, and eat regularly. Try to balance between work, play and self-care.

Question: And what tips can you offer parents so they don’t get on a negative spiral and can continue to coparent successfully through this?
Wendy F. Habelow: Take things a day at a time if necessary, be as thoughtful and as kind as possible, and focus on the needs of your children and not your feelings about your co-parent.

To learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process, visit www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com. CCDG members are available for in-person and telephone interviews.

About CCDG: Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their Collaborative Divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

Wendy F. Habelow, Ph.D

Covid-19 and Domestic Violence

April 7, 2020/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Robert B. Fried
By Attorney Robert B. Fried
 
I think we have all heard far more than we would like regarding the impact of COVID-19….with no immediate end in sight. And as an attorney who devotes most of his practice to family law, I have heard the predictions that with so many families staying home, more couple will be divorcing.
But what I had not heard, until a few minutes ago, is that this same proximity of couples spending most of their waking hours together in the same house, is a substantial increase in domestic violence. One major city in Connecticut has seen a 20 percent increase in domestic calls in the last week alone.
DON’T ADD TO THAT STATISTIC. If you are experiencing domestic violence, please text “home” to 741741, the Crisis Text Line to connect with a crisis counselor. Talk to an attorney. Talk to a mental health professional. get into couples counseling. Domestic violence helps no one!

Attorney Robert B. Fried

Guidelines for Divorced and Separated Families During COVID 19

April 1, 2020/in Announcements, Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

Leaders from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) and AFCC have released guidelines for coparenting during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Seven Guidelines for Parents Who Are Divorced/Separated and Sharing Custody of Children During the COVID 19 Pandemic

From the leaders of groups that deal with families in crisis:

  1. BE HEALTHY. Comply with all CDC and local and state guidelines and model good behavior for your children with intensive hand washing, wiping down surfaces and other objects that are frequently touched, and maintaining social distancing. This also means BE INFORMED. Stay in touch with the most reliable media sources and avoid the rumor mill on social media.
  2. BE MINDFUL. Be honest about the seriousness of the pandemic but maintain a calm attitude and convey to your children your belief that everything will return to normal in time. Avoid making careless comments in front of the children and exposing them to endless media coverage intended for adults. Don’t leave the news on 24/7, for instance. But, at the same time, encourage your children to ask questions and express their concerns and answer them truthfully at a level that is age-appropriate.
  3. BE COMPLIANT with court orders and custody agreements. As much as possible, try to avoid reinventing the wheel despite the unusual circumstances. The custody agreement or court order exists to prevent endless haggling over the details of timesharing. In some jurisdictions there are even standing orders mandating that, if schools are closed, custody agreements should remain in force as though school were still in session.
  4. BE CREATIVE. At the same time, it would be foolish to expect that nothing will change when people are being advised not to fly and vacation attractions such as amusement parks, museums and entertainment venues are closing all over the US and the world. In addition, some parents will have to work extra hours to help deal with the crisis and other parents may be out of work or working reduced hours for a time. Plans will inevitably have to change. Encourage closeness with the parent who is not going to see the child through shared books, movies, games and FaceTime or Skype.
  5. BE TRANSPARENT. Provide honest information to your co-parent about any suspected or confirmed exposure to the virus, and try to agree on what steps each of you will take to protect the child from exposure. Certainly both parents should be informed at once if the child is exhibiting any possible symptoms of the virus.
  6. BE GENEROUS. Try to provide makeup time to the parent who missed out, if at all possible. Family law judges expect reasonable accommodations when they can be made and will take seriously concerns raised in later filings about parents who are inflexible in highly unusual circumstances.

 

Thanks to  leaders of groups that deal with families in crisis:

Susan Myres, President of American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML)
Dr. Matt Sullivan, President of Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC)
Annette Burns, AAML and Former President of AFCC
Yasmine Mehmet, AAML
Kim Bonuomo, AAML
Nancy Kellman, AAML
Dr. Leslie Drozd, AFCC
Dr. Robin Deutsch, AFCC
Jill Peña, Executive Director of AAML
Peter Saleme, Executive Director of AFCC

Back to School Planning Tips for Divorcing Parents

September 26, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Bruce Freedman, Ph.D.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Sept. 26, 2019

CCDG’s Local Divorce Coach & Child Specialist Bruce Freedman, Ph.D.,
Shares Family Strategies to Prepare for the Upcoming Year

HARTFORD, CONN; SEPT. 26, 2019 – It’s time to go back-to-school for children and families, and that brings a lot of activities for parents to manage. Extracurricular activities are a substantial part of life for most children, and though they demand commitment, time and money, it is widely acknowledged that these endeavors instill better sociability, self-esteem and development. Coordinating work, school, and after-school activities is a logistical and financial challenge for all parents, but this challenge is even greater when parents divorce.

“When parents are in the process of divorce or recently divorced, deciding on and paying for extracurricular activities can become more difficult and contentious,” said Bruce Freedman, Ph.D., a divorce coach and child specialist with the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG), a Hartford-based group of professionals that aims to keep divorcing couples and their children out of court using a popular method of family conflict resolution called Collaborative Divorce. “By working together, parents can balance the activities they propose while also agreeing on a budget.”

Freedman recommends that divorced and divorcing parents consider meeting together or with a mediator a couple of times each year to plan out the next six months of activities and discuss schedules and costs.

The Collaborative Divorce team is often made up of a lawyer, a financial expert and a mental health specialist. These jointly retained specialists help couples navigate the divorce process and negotiate solutions that are mutually beneficial. As an organization, CCDG is committed to the use of mental health coaches in the collaborative process to provide parenting guidance and create parenting plans that are beneficial for children as well as assisting families with the very real emotional aspects of divorce.

To help divorced or divorcing parents prepare and organize for the coming year, Freedman shares these additional back-to-school tips:

  • Divide the back-to-school shopping between the two parents, in order for both to enjoy this experience.
  • For younger children, both parents should try to join together to participate in milestone events for the child, such as seeing them off for the first day of school.
  • Develop a sound plan to make sure the child moves between homes with all the clothing, uniforms, books, and homework they need in their other home.
  • Choose the child’s activities together, and do not plan activities that take place during the other parent’s time.
  • During or after a divorce it is essential not to overschedule children with activities. Children need to spend time with each parent, and it is important for parents to have time to relax and have fun with their children.

Unlike traditional divorce, Collaborative Divorce gives couples more control over the outcome of their separation. Rather than having a judge decide the family’s future through litigation, Collaborative Divorce allows couples to make flexible agreements that address the financial, psychological and legal aspects of divorce. In addition to often being less expensive than a traditional divorce, Collaborative Divorce takes the entire family into account.

Additionally, the Collaborative process is a popular alternative for those who don’t want the details of their divorce to be made public. This client-focused method is becoming increasingly popular with divorce attorneys who want to help make divorce less contentious and painful for families.

To learn more about collaborative divorce process, visit www.collaborativedivorce.com
CCDG members are available for in-person and telephone interviews.

CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

Principles to Help the Step-Parenting Process

August 26, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Support, Uncategorized/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

Dr. Elaine Ducharme Offers Helpful Guidelines on Step-Parenting
By Dr. Elaine Ducharme

As a result of a skyrocketing divorce rate and many individuals delaying marriage well into their thirties, step parenting is becoming increasingly common. 50% of first marriages fail. The number is even higher in second marriages. Initially, a new marriage may seem very romantic: “I love you and, of course, I love your children.” However, it is not always that easy. Taking care of someone else’s biological children and blending families can often be difficult, frustrating, anger provoking and thankless. With time and an enormous amount of effort and teamwork, it can be an exciting, loving and very rewarding experience. While volumes can and have been be written on this subject, some basic guidelines may be helpful.

1. It is very important to remember that the children already have two parents. Let the biological parents set the rules and do the disciplining. This is especially important during the first few years as you build a relationship with the children.
2. Earn their respect. Try to establish yourself as the child’s adult friend. Treat the child with respect and expect to be treated in the same way. You and your spouse or live-in partner must cooperate in order for this to happen.
3. Be realistic about your feelings. Remember that while you and your spouse/partner love each other and have chosen to live together, the children may have very different opinions. Not only may they not love you, they may not even like you. And, you may not like them.
4. Work to maintain open communication. You need to know what your spouse/partner expects of the children. You also need to understand what you expect from each other. You may need to enforce the rules in his/her absence. Regular family meetings can help everyone air their feelings and develop problem solving skills.
5. Never undermine the children’s relationship with the parent who is not in your home. This is a sure way to lose the children’s respect.
6. Know what you are getting yourself into. If you can’t stand his/her children or will resent that your spouse will have to pay alimony or child support, don’t get married! It is not fair to any of you.
7. Don’t rush to add a new baby into the mix. Many couples hurry to have a child that is theirs together, thinking it will solidify the family bond. Having a new baby in the house too soon generally just complicates things. The older children who have already experienced loss of their original family may feel even less important as everyone makes a fuss over infant.
8. Be patient. Relationships take time to develop. One of the biggest mistakes step parents make is trying to become the child’s new par-ent. While some children may welcome this, most do not. You are the adult. You must remember that the children may not be certain your marriage will last. After all, their parent’s first marriage ended in divorce. So, they probably will (and should) be emotionally cautious. If you can stand the test of time, earn their respect and listen to their needs you will be rewarded with a wonderful gift…a child’s love.
9. Try to spend private time with your step child (children) doing some-thing he/she enjoys.
10. Over time and with input from the children, establish new family traditions.

Following these principles can really help in the step- parenting process. Try to look at issues as problems to be solved. If you are feeling over-whelmed, frustrated or angry it is helpful to seek the advice of a family therapist. You and your new spouse may have very different ideas about child rearing. And you may both be tempted to be extra nice to your own kids out of feelings of guilt. You and your spouse will need to work hard to find ways to parent in a blended family. Kids are super sensitive to inequalities and are likely to let you know it in no uncertain terms! Remember, it is the parent’s (not the children’s) inability to solve problems that causes marriages to fall apart. But it is also the parents’ ability to work together that leads to happy and successful families. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Blending families can be tricky. Psychologists and other mental health specialists with experience in working with step families can help you learn to successfully solve problems related to blended families.

Podcast: Dr. Ducharme on How to Avoid Conflict When Talking Kids to Your Ex-Spouse

August 22, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

wrch.radio.com/FreeTherapyThursday-PsychologistDrElaineDucharme

CCDG Divorce Expert Offers Tips for Families During National Child Centered Divorce Month

August 13, 2019/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Financial Aspects of Divorce, Support, Uncategorized/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.
Read more

Holiday Tips After Divorce

December 13, 2018/in Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

https://wrch.radio.com/blogs/mary-scanlon/dr-elaine-ducharme-holiday-tips-after-divorce

Benefits of Collaborative Divorce Television Interview

July 31, 2017/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

The benefits of Collaborative Divorce

Spotlite: Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG)

January 24, 2017/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support, Uncategorized/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

Spotlite: Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG)

 

Collaborative Practice as a Spiritual Practice

September 28, 2016/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Jennifer Davis
 Collaborative Practice as a Spiritual Practice

What do we think about as practitioners when we consider adding or maintaining a collaborative component to our overall law practice? Certainly there are the basic considerations of marketing and cost-effectiveness that make any practice component financially justifiable and for many, the analysis may end there. Beyond that, however, there is the lure of creating alternatives that support and empower a client through a difficult time. I’m writing here of a collaborative practice that permits the practitioner to reach deep into one’s self to access curiosity, generosity and empathy in order to create solutions that satisfy not only the deeper needs of the client, but as well, allows the practitioner to experience a spiritual satisfaction that goes far beyond bottom line considerations.

Divorce for many clients can be a defining moment: it can be a time of taking stock, of reflecting upon one’s choices, of admitting to mistakes, of acknowledging historical patterns, of exploring new, previously unthought-of directions, of experiencing sometimes frightening emotional highs and lows. At its very best, the divorce process can present an opportunity for the client to have a deeply spiritual experience. I’m not talking here about a traditional religious experience but of one that expands the individual’s awareness of their own human spirit. To be part of that growth and to nurture its nascent roots within a collaborative paradigm is the privilege of the practitioner. By accessing one’s own generosity and compassion as support for the client, the practitioner as well has an opportunity for personal spiritual growth through the guidance of the client’s journey.

Clients come to the practitioner vulnerable and in distress. To say that they are not at their best is an understatement. They are being divorced from, or they are realizing that they will have less time with their children, or that the financial stability to which they’ve grown accustomed will be altered. Despite their stated willingness to enter into the collaborative process, there is a piece in them that is angry, resentful, afraid, tentative, defensive and reactive. They listen with acceptance to the theory of interests-based negotiation but at heart, they have a firmly seated personal position of fairness and justice. At the beginning, theirs is a surface acceptance of the collaborative paradigm and not a deeper understanding of the spiritual shifts that can be brought on by a collaborative negotiation. It is incumbent upon the practitioner to recognize this, and to understand that clients are often at the moment of signing the collaborative agreement unready to explore the potential of their evolving stories. They are not ready to give up the old trajectory of their lives and live in a new direction, and this presents a unique challenge to the collaborative practitioner that is not presented to the mediator or the litigator. It is at this point that the collaborative practitioner is invited into the client’s life and to be a part of the evolving story.  This then is the challenge for the practitioner: to teach, to coach, to truly collaborate with the client and with the team, to create a result that responds to the deep needs of all the participants.

This is not about boundaries. A spiritual collaborative practice doesn’t require that we literally live our client’s journey. Rather, it is about the practitioner’s ability to open one’s heart, still the space, quiet the mind and listen, to ask questions and seek deeper responses as interests – true interests – are developed. St. Thomas Aquinas said, “Fear is such a powerful emotion for humans that when we allow it to take us over, it drives compassion right out of our hearts.” The client’s world of divorce is based in fear – fear of loss, fear of the unknown, fear of sorrow. Therefore, clients will always push toward a resolution but the practitioner may guide the negotiation away from neat and tidy resolutions and toward a deeper understanding of the client’s journey. As litigators, we are all about nurturing the fear and developing our postures. The collaborative practitioner’s role here is to hold tight to compassion, and to guide the client past the fear and into a place of options.

Recently, I’ve begun to consider the impact of a collaborative practice as well as the impact of compromise of collaborative principles upon the emotional life of the practitioner. Is it possible that a collaborative practice can impact us at a spiritual level, at its height enriching and empowering us as practitioners as well as individuals while when compromised leaving us longing and dissatisfied?  I have come to believe that if we invest ourselves fully into the collaborative paradigm, we as practitioners can emerge with a deeper, more thoughtful understanding of human nature and thus, of ourselves.

By fully embracing the collaborative paradigm as practitioners, we have the opportunity to truly reach inside of ourselves and give to our clients the very best of our skills and the very best of our selves. Rather than provide them “with the answer” we instead strive to create an environment that allows the clients to determine the answer for themselves. Spiritually, this isn’t a new concept.  Consider Matthew 4:19 – “Give a person a fish, and you feed that person for a day. Teach people to fish, and you feed the people for a lifetime.” The creation of a truly collaborative environment, one based upon identification with interests and not with positions, has the potential to enrich all who participate, professional as well as client, as we build upon an interrelated experience of interests-based negotiation.

The generosity of the collaborative practitioner, then, is to create and maintain such an environment. The client seeks a path to a goal, and this leads to position-based negotiations. Instead, the collaborative environment as guided by the practitioner says with every step we have arrived because with every step, we are addressing your interests. Maintaining a focus on interests and on being present enhances the collaborative experience for all participants – including the practitioner. It allows the collaborative team to experience a richness in the negotiation that is missing from a position-based negotiation which demands compromise in order to move forward. It is fulfilling and satisfying to all. In working through the collaborative paradigm for a client’s divorce, the practitioner can recognize and confront deep personal fears, making us more aware as individuals of our own motivations. Our role, then, is to keep the collaborative paradigm open, present and functioning. That role can easily become part of our spiritual practice for daily lives as we focus on being present and being open in our day to day activities.

As we strive toward a spiritually-based practice, our failures – those seemingly inevitable cases which seek to rush to judgment to just get it done – can sap our energy and cause us to question not only our skills but collaborative practice as a whole. As practitioners, we experience frustration and loss when a collaborative matter moves inexorably from interests-based to position-based negotiation and we are unable to redirect the negotiation back into the collaborative paradigm. However as we as individuals continue grow in our collaborative experience, I believe that practitioners will become more trusting of themselves, of their intuition and of their power within the team and that maintaining focus within the paradigm will become second nature. As we experience success within the collaborative paradigm, we become more confident. The personalities and challenges of the individual client, whether our own or from the “other side”, present no conflict for us to address because we begin to hear them through a filter of compassion and generosity.

For me, the success of any collaborative negotiation builds my confidence that I am moving in the right direction for my own growth as a practitioner and as a human. Negotiations that fail to stay within the paradigm are lessons to be learned from. But the deeper questions of the negotiation stay with me always: am I being open, am I present? What is the filter through which I am hearing this individual? Am I judging the action, or am I hearing the experience? Am I judging the individual, or am I holding a space for this individual to grow? Am I contributing to the balance of equality among all the participants? Is it necessary that I speak here? These are lessons that go with me daily through my life, and form a springboard for my personal spiritual practice.

Jennifer E. Davis has been a practicing attorney for 30 years, with a focus in family law for the entire time. She has been a mediator since 1996 and was collaboratively trained in 2005. When she is not working or writing, she trains her dogs to compete in agility and canine scent work. JDavisLaw.com

HOW TO MANAGE THE MADNESS OF MOVING AFTER DIVORCE – WHAT STEPS TO TAKE TO REDUCE STRESS ON CHILDREN–

September 13, 2016/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Attorney Robert B. Fried

HOW TO MANAGE THE MADNESS OF MOVING AFTER DIVORCE

-WHAT STEPS TO TAKE TO REDUCE STRESS ON CHILDREN–

 

(HARTFORD, CT)- March 28, 2013– Disruption in routine and residence are two changes that come with any divorce.  For children of divorcing parents this shift in schedule can be especially stressful if not managed properly.   Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG) is a resource available to guide families through such transitions.  CCDG is comprised of attorneys, financial and mental health professionals to facilitate an amicable termination of a marriage.

In a traditional case, the Court may be asked to decide what is in the children’s best interests. In a collaborative case, all parties meet and work out an agreement that is truly in the children’s best interests.

 

“When it comes to moves, it is very important that both parents be on the same page when relocating children,” said Attorney Robert Fried. “I usually recommend moves that minimize the disruption for children.“

 

Attorneys and psychologists alike recommend moving during a long holiday break such as summer. It allows for an easier transition and time to meet new friends in the neighborhood.

 

PLAN AHEAD

 

If you can’t wait until summer or other big break, it is helpful to try to do as much planning as possible. Include the kids in some decision making about how the move might go. For example, do they want to have a friend help them unpack their room or pick out some accessories? Do they want to stay with a friend during the day you actually move out of the old home? Getting them involved in re-doing their bedroom is often very helpful. It is important for parents to stress the positives about the move, whenever possible.

 

“It is generally a good idea to have the children out of the house if one parent is moving out first. It is really upsetting for children to see a parent moving out,” advises Psychologist Dr. Elaine Ducharme. “The good thing about collaborative divorce is that parents work together in the best interests of their children.”

 

 

CHOOSING A SCHOOL DISTRICT

 

Often during divorce one parent may move to another school district, thus forcing the need to make a decision about the children’s future. The quality of a school district is one of the issues in determining the children’s best interests but that issue must be considered along with the impact on the children, which include their activities and friends.

 

“For instance, does a child have special needs that are, or are not being met in the present school system,” said Attorney Fried. “Collaboration, not litigation, is the best way to deal with these sensitive issues.”

 

Moving to a new school district can be tough for many children. Therefore, it is really helpful to go to the school ahead of time for a tour and to meet the principal, teacher, counselor whenever possible. They can be instrumental in pairing your child up with a “buddy”.

 

“Most children, especially, the younger ones, do well once they have a friend. Middle school and high school can be more difficult because of the cliques that form,” said Dr. Ducharme. “Moving to a new school is easier at a time when everyone will be new to the school, such as the beginning of middle school or high school.”

 

In collaborative divorce, most couples work really hard to keep things as stable as possible for children. It is not about who gets to choose, but how the parents can solve this issue together. Even if they are divorced, they will always be parents together. The coach, in a collaborative divorce situation, helps parents work on solving problems together in the best interest of their children. After the divorce is final, parents can still return to the coach or another parenting specialist to make sure they can continue to parent together.

 

WHEN IS THERAPY NECESSARY?

 

Every family is different and the needs of a particular child may differ; even children in the same family.   The collaborative process is more attuned and better able to deal with these issues, discuss them in group conferences with the attorneys and other professionals such as a “coach” who is trained to work with families in distress and help them move forward with less disruption than a traditional divorce.

 

“Therapy is necessary only if the child continues to struggle after several months,” adds Dr. Ducharme.  “Kids are typically quite resilient, but it’s important that parents pay close attention to prolonged struggles their kids encounter.”

 

CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com.

 

 

Collaborative Divorce Unites Rather Than Divides

June 29, 2016/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Financial Aspects of Divorce, Support, Uncategorized/by Attorney Robert B. Fried

COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE UNITES RATHER THAN DIVIDES

–ALTERNATIVE APPROACH TO DIVORCE HELPS ALIGN PROFESSIONALS OF VARIOUS DISCIPLINES-

 

(HARTFORD, CT)- June 13, 2013- When many people think about the professionals managing divorce, they only envision attorneys.  Presently though, some of the most amicable divorces are achieved through an approach known as collaborative divorce.  It reduces stress for the individuals separating by surrounding them with a support system including attorneys, mental health and financial professionals.

“Traditional divorce is adversarial”, said Attorney Jule Crawford.  “So often, this often leads to bitter court battles where each side wants to win no matter the cost.”

 

Attorney Crawford is a member of Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group (CCDG).  She says that collaborative divorce humanized her practice by taking the demon out of divorce. The collaborative approach sets up a method for the two divorcing people to start a dialogue, not about who did what wrong that killed the marriage, but to map out the changes that the divorce will necessitate.

 

Attorney Crawford’s collaborative group is multidisciplinary.   Members are trained and experienced in finance, law or mental health.  As a result, she can offer clients a team of neutrals professionally trained in their field to help them make good parenting and financial decisions, while she and the other lawyer can guide them through the legal process.

 

“I have been amazed over and over again that grown adults feel they lose all control over their own lives when they enter into a traditional divorce,” she said.  “I think the collaborative process is all about giving people the tools and guidance they need to be active problem solvers to craft their agreement in a way that best suits themselves, each other, and their children.”

 

Dr. Abby Cole offers a mental health perspective.  As a divorce coach, collaborative divorce has pretty much become a second career, eclipsing her psychotherapy practice. It allows Dr. Cole the pleasure of working more interactively with colleagues, and the satisfaction of offering what she considers to be preventative mental health interventions.

 

“Instead of spending years in psychotherapy cleaning up the detritus of messy divorces, I am able to educate and guide clients towards behaving in more decent and respectable ways,” she said.  “They don’t have to spend years hating ex-spouses, but instead, are able to craft workable solutions for their families.”

 

Financial Advisor Jim Russell sees the same benefits. Originally when he started working in the divorce field, he was involved through the litigation model.  He spent half his time preparing multiple requests for information, reviewing what information was missing, preparing and attending depositions and testifying in cases.  Many times because the cases were so adversarial his participation would not be productive as it could be.

 

Parties choosing collaborative divorce avoid the need for depositions and going to court for contested hearings.  In addition, the parties voluntarily exchange requested documents and avoid motions and court appearances to obtain those documents.

 

“In spending my time in the right areas and looking at various options that can be brainstormed in a group setting, we often get to a better answer that is satisfactory to the clients,” said Russell.  “By focusing my time on working on the real issues with the clients it typically improves their understanding of the issues and a better resolution of the matters occurs for the clients.”

 

Regardless of their differing backgrounds, all of the professionals involved in collaborative divorce agree that the process yields the best results.

 

“I have had a number of collaborative clients compliment each other and say things like  “she is a great mom”,   “ he really was the driving force in building the company we now own together,” said Jim Russell.

 

“Last Christmas I had one recently divorced wife who hosted her former husband for the holiday festivities,” said Dr. Cole.  “Other families are celebrating dance recitals and graduations together, focusing on the accomplishments of their children rather than reviving the resentments of their divorces.”

 

“Without doubt, resolving divorces collaboratively is hard work done in trying times with people at their most fragile.  But there is nothing more rewarding in my eyes than to help a client end a marriage with dignity,” said Attorney Crawford.

CCDG is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollabrorativedivorce.com

How To Divorce with Diplomacy

June 29, 2016/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Support, Uncategorized/by Attorney Robert B. Fried

HOW TO DIVORCE WITH DIPLOMACY

-CT COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE GROUP OFFERS OPTIONS FOR FAMILY FRIENDLY DIVORCE-

 

(HARTFORD, CT)- May 23, 2012- May is one of the busiest months of the year for weddings.  However, statistics show that nearly half of all those new unions will ultimately end in divorce.  Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group is an organization committed to dissolving marriages without the destruction and dirt.  In fact, beyond attorneys, the organization is comprised of financial planners and psychologists, present to ensure the process is fair and amicable, every step of the way.

To be sure, collaborative divorce is the new kid on the block.  Up until about ten years ago, divorces typically followed a traditional adversarial route.  Prior to collaboration, the only non-adversarial option was mediation.  In collaborative divorce, the parties engage in a voluntary non-dispute resolution process, absent of litigation.  It is the mission of both attorneys to resolve issues through negotiation keeping proceedings out of court.  Fittingly, this approach is often referred to as divorce with dignity.

“Most people do not want to fight. Everyone hears about the horror stories of an adversarial divorce.  They have friends who have been through it,” said Collaborative Divorce Attorney Bob Fried.  “Collaborative Divorce removes so much of the ugliness from the process and certainly reduces stress and cost.”

 

Connecticut is definitely on the map for litigating some of the messiest divorces ever.  A few years ago, Connecticut witnessed the longest divorce trial in the country: 86 days, $13,000,000 and allegations of rape, pornography, sexual abuse and alcoholism.

 

Beyond decreasing hostility between the divorcing parties, collaborative divorce also helps ease the pain for the entire family.  Specifically, a mental health professional is actively involved in the entire process.  Not be confused with “couple’s therapy,” in collaborative divorce the mental health professional is more of a coach responsible for maintaining a calm and respectful tone during team meetings.  Generally, the coach’s primary concern is always the well-being of the children, and working with divorcing families to ensure that their children’s needs will be carefully considered and addressed through the decision-making process.

 

“Divorce is arguably one of the most difficult times in any person’s life. Important decisions need to be made by people who feel hurt, angry, sad, and frightened,” said Collaborative Divorce Coach Abby Cole.  “If a coach can help to manage those feelings, then decision-making will unfold in a smoother and less destructive manner.”

 

The cost to marry can be as little as the purchase of a marriage-license; however, divorce is much pricier emotionally and financially.  That’s why the collaborative divorce process doesn’t only include a coach, but also a financial professional.  The financial professional assists with the financial aspects of the divorce.  For instance, this person aids in the collection of data, formatting of the data, helping with the financial affidavit, budgets, division of property, child support, and any other financial aspects.

 

“As the financial professional and as a neutral party in the collaboration, I am really not advising as that’s the attorneys’ job,” said Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ™ Edward M. Goldberg.  “That said, when functioning as a neutral in a collaborative divorce, I am not merely ‘neutral’, I am also objective.  I think the fact that a couple is working with an objective neutral gives them a sense of comfort that I am not taking sides.”

 

While the interdisciplinary Collaborative Divorce process remains a rather new concept in Connecticut, it is most certainly a viable choice for many couples.

 

“If you want to resolve your marital issues respectfully, protect your children and maintain control of the divorce and its costs, then collaborative divorce is a process you should consider,” concludes Fried.

 

The Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group is a group of experienced divorce professionals, including divorce and family lawyers, financial and mental health professionals, who have been specifically trained in the collaborative process. Each member of the group has made a commitment to the goals of collaborative practice in order to help people achieve fair and lasting settlements without using the court or even the threat of court. Additionally, each member attends regular meetings and training sessions designed to develop and enhance their collaborative divorce skills. For more information visit: www.ctcollaborativedivorce.com.

 

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How To Build an Effective Team

June 29, 2016/in Collaborative Divorce, Divorce, Education, Support, Uncategorized/by Attorney Deborah R. Eisenberg

How to Build an Effective Team

Deborah R. Eisenberg, Edward Goldberg and Abby Golomb Cole

 

Case Illustration of a Well-Coordinated Team

 

Mist hung heavily on a chilly New England morning, as six of us sat around a conference table, considering financial projections for a divorcing couple. The six included two lawyers, a divorce coach, a financial specialist, and the divorcing husband and wife, Max and Shirley. The divorcing couple was at retirement age, both had health issues, and neither expected to continue working. No matter how the financial specialist rearranged the numbers, it was clear that both Max and Shirley would end up broke in a matter of years. She would run out of money first, unless he agreed to share some of his social security income. This notion incensed Max, and he stormed out of the conference, shouting, “I’ll see you all in court!”

The Divorce Coach gave chase, catching up with him in the parking lot. For fifteen minutes Max fumed about how his wife had never contributed financially to the marriage, and how unjust it was that he should have to share the benefits of his hard work with her. The coach gave him room to vent, but then coaxed him back into the building, telling him that the precipitation was ruining her hair. They spoke for another 15 minutes in a small conference room, until Max was ready to return to negotiation with the rest of the team. He had stated his anger, felt heard, and been given enough time to calm down and be able to resume a less emotional and more rational conversation.

Meanwhile, awkward questions floated over the rest of the team. Should they wait for him to return? Was his behavior so destructive as to sabotage the prospect of collaboration? And should his lawyer stay in the room during his absence? Eventually the husband’s lawyer excused herself. Shirley’s lawyer stayed with her client and the financial neutral, who used the time to answer questions about the various financial scenarios and what they might mean for Shirley.

When the team reconvened, both husband and wife were more able to consider their options for the future. The attorneys helped insure that their needs and interests were accurately reflected in the agreement being brokered. Shirley had a good enough grasp on the numbers that she could better advocate for herself, and Max was able to transcend his resentment enough to agree to help his wife financially.

This interdisciplinary team worked well together in a crisis, averting the collapse of the collaborative process and bringing both parties to an agreement that felt comfortable. In this chapter we will explore the necessary components of a functional interdisciplinary team and suggest ways of enhancing professional collaboration.

 

Standing at the Portal: How Lawyers Assemble Collaborative Teams

 

Getting Retained

 

The divorce in the above illustration was initiated by the wife.  After much soul                 searching and inner conflict, she summoned up the courage to pick up the phone and schedule a consultation with a divorce attorney. At the consultation, the attorney learned the following:  the couple had been married for 42 years, but had lived apart for 10 years.  Shirley, age 65, without a significant earning history, and unemployed for many years, had a series of health problems.  Her husband, Max, age 64, had been living with a girlfriend for several years. He had been voluntarily giving Shirley monthly support payments.  He also had significant health issues and was also nearing retirement age.  Not surprisingly, Shirley was concerned that her financial support would end soon and she would not be able to live comfortably on her anticipated social security benefit.  Except for sending/receiving monthly support checks, the parties had little or no communication.  Clueless about her husband’s assets, Shirley was unable to articulate her goals for a financial settlement other than wanting to protect herself.  What she did make clear, however, was that she feared “pissing off” her husband by “rocking the boat” with a divorce action and desperately wanted to reach a fair resolution without going to court.
Inviting the Client’s Spouse to Join the Team

 

After consultation with her attorney, Shirley decided that collaboration best met her needs. For Shirley and her attorney, the decision to collaborate was easy. Getting a client’s spouse to walk through the collaborative door can be much more challenging, because the attorney has minimal control over the spouse’s choice of attorney or process. In the above illustration, to help influence Max to participate in a collaborative divorce, the attorney gave Shirley a brochure developed by her collaborative practice group, which contained a listing of the attorney members.  After discussing the content of the brochure and answering Shirley’s questions about collaborative divorce, the attorney suggested that she (1) let her husband know she was seeking a divorce, (2) give him a copy of the brochure, and (3) suggest that he select a collaboratively trained attorney from the list offered in the brochure (the attorney further highlighted those attorneys with practices conveniently located near the husband’s workplace).   In many cases this effort is sufficient to bring the spouse on board.  In the above illustration, it was not.  Despite the fact that Shirley sent Max a copy of the collaborative divorce brochure, and despite repeated requests over the following months that he retain an attorney, he failed to do so.  After discussions between Shirley and her attorney, another plan was launched:  The attorney drafted a divorce complaint as if Shirley were pro se, and had a state marshal serve Max with the complaint, as is ordinarily done in a litigated divorce.  Although this action resulted in what Shirley feared most, i.e. “pissing off” her husband, ultimately Max not only retained counsel, but selected one of the collaborative lawyers near his place of employment, as initially suggested by Shirley’s attorney.

 

Our assumption to this point has been that the collaborative divorce began in an attorney’s office. Since attorneys play a representative role, their access to the opposing party is limited. However, the same conversation can begin with a financial or mental health professional. In these cases, the professional may have more influence on the selection of the attorneys. For instance, when couple’s therapy fails and the couple agrees to divorce, they often ask their marital therapist for advice and referrals before proceeding to divorce.  Mental health and financial professionals who typically act as neutrals do not “represent” either party, so they are free to speak with both parties and make whatever suggestions they deem appropriate.

 

Note:  If you are a member of a practice group and do not feel comfortable “steering” your client’s spouse to a particular attorney or the rules of your group prohibit it, furnishing your client with a list of collaboratively trained attorneys in your group to give to his/her spouse can be extremely helpful to the spouse.  If you prefer having more direct impact on the spouse’s selection of an attorney, then it would be useful to consider the following:  Which attorney would be most compatible with the personality, gender, temperament and needs of your client’s spouse?  Which attorney is geographically convenient to the spouse’s residence or workplace?  Which attorney would work best with your client in a team setting?  With which attorney do you work effectively?  It may be useful to discuss several options with your client, with an eye towards optimizing team effectiveness.
Welcoming the Other Attorney Team Member

 

In the very best of circumstances, you will have some impact over the selection of the spouse’s attorney, but in many cases, you will have no input.  In either scenario, however, once you learn who your client’s spouse retained as a collaborative attorney, it is crucial to have a meaningful conversation, by telephone or in person, with the other attorney.  This phase of the process is important because it provides an opportunity for attorney-colleagues to (1) exchange important information about the clients and the facts of the case, (2) determine similarities and differences in their approaches and resolve any discrepancies that could hamper the process (3) demonstrate collaborative behaviors that will hopefully, set the stage for effective team meetings and (4) select the other team members.
Sharing information and assessing the case

 

During the initial conversation, attorneys should assess the needs of the case and the unique attributes of the clients.  What are the clients like?  Are there power imbalances?  Are they combative?  Angry?  Depressed? Impulsive?  Financially savvy or uninformed?  Emotionally fragile?  Are addiction issues present in this case?  Is there any known or suspected infidelity? Is there a history of abuse? Are there health issues? Or mental health issues?

And what are the particular facts in the case?  How many children?  What ages?  Do they have special needs?  Will the parents be living in close proximity to each other? How close to retirement are the clients?  What are the assets? Liabilities? Are there serious debt or other financial issues?  Are there assets which may be considered non-marital?  Are the assets difficult to value or understand?  What about income and other forms of compensation?  Will earning capacity be an issue?

 

Formulating The Team Approach Early On

 

Working as a team is easiest when professional members are well acquainted, either through a practice group or professional experience.  Understanding the other attorney’s collaborative approach and style is particularly important if the attorneys do not belong to the same practice group.  It is necessary to find out, for example, if one or both attorneys use a road map and if both do, which one the team will use; if both attorneys use the same collaborative agreement and, if not, which one will be used, and whether a coach and a financial professional will be required. Finally, attorneys must discuss whether other professionals, such as a business valuator or a child specialist will be needed.

Many collaborative attorneys require the use of a coach on all cases. Coaches are particularly helpful in dealing with significant communication problems, which are endemic among divorcing couples. Some couples communicate by yelling, while others may slide subtle insults and digs into an otherwise civil conversation. We have seen couples who seem addicted to arguing with each other, and others who seem to fall in to the roles of headstrong leader and tearful victim. Some people cannot discuss their divorces without crying, while for others, tears become a trigger for hostile rebukes. Other common communication problems include interrupting, speaking for the other person rather than for oneself, and showing disrespect through nonverbal cues like sighing, eye-rolling or mocking gestures.
The decision to use a child specialist can be thornier, as many divorce coaches consider their role to include representation of the children and their interests in the divorce. In our community, child specialists are called in for special needs children, and in cases where each family member has his/her own complex psychological profile. The great advantage of including a child specialist on the team is that he/she will meet directly with the children, and bring their voices into the evolving parenting plan. Expense may be a factor, however, and some divorcing parties may balk at the need for an extra professional on the team.

In determining whether a financial professional will be needed, attorneys should ask themselves the following questions: Are the financial aspects in your case such that a financial professional would be useful?   Does one party need more help than the other in understanding the financial ramifications of what is being presented or proposed?  Would it be more efficient from a cost perspective to have one qualified professional gather all the financial data, format it and get it to both attorneys?  Are there unusual circumstances that might require the use of a forensic accountant, a business valuation specialist, or a pension expert?  Are there complicated tax issues that would require the services of a CPA?  Do the facts and circumstances call for the use of a financial professional as a neutral, similar to the role the mental health professional plays as the neutral coach?  As a neutral the financial professional can meet with the couple or either party as needed.  However, it should be noted that if retained as a neutral, the financial professional cannot work with either party post-divorce. Alternatively, one of the attorneys may feel that her/his client will require help throughout the divorce process and beyond to build a sound financial plan after the agreement has been signed, in which case the financial professional would not serve as a neutral in the case.

Financial professionals come in many shapes and sizes.  For example, FINRA (Financial Industries Regulatory Authority) lists 95 different financial designations.  One designation, however, applies very specifically to specialized training in the financial aspects of divorce:  The CDFA – Certified Divorce Financial Analyst.

In any case, a thorough understanding of the case and the players is important in helping to put together the best team, and to optimize the collaborative process.  Further, it is the lawyers’ responsibility to understand the roles of the other professionals and to use them wherever appropriate. Coordinating with a multidisciplinary team may represent a departure from your experience as a divorce attorney, but using the expertise of highly qualified professionals in allied fields and taking an open-minded and solutions-oriented approach enhances the process and eases the admittedly difficult task ahead.

 

Fostering a Team Culture

 

To build a good and effective team, start by being the best team mate that you can be.   The initial dialog you have with the other attorney provides an important opportunity to establish open communication, to designate roles and responsibilities and to listen to and appreciate input from a fellow team member – all characteristics of a well-coordinated team. If you have no experience working with the other attorney, begin by giving him/her the benefit of the doubt.   Since the team approach is still relatively new and you are playing on a new field, it might be helpful to assume that you and your colleague are still learning as you go, that you are both eager to learn new skills and will work well together within this process.

If you have had a bad experience working with the other attorney, you need to be mindful before you proceed. Sometimes this means being aware of your own biases, and keeping them in check. Sometimes this means airing your concerns about working together before you proceed. If you doubt your own ability to overcome your history of anger, frustration, hurt and the like, then you may need to decline or withdraw from the case.

Note:  These authors strongly recommend that ALL team members be fully qualified to participate in a collaborative team.   If your client’s spouse retains an attorney who has not been collaboratively trained, but represents to you that he is willing to participate collaboratively, kindly, but firmly, say no.  Alternatively, you might suggest working cooperatively, but not formally as a collaborative process.

 

D.  Selecting the Other Team members

 

After assessing the clients’ personalities and the facts, circumstances, and nuances of the case it should become apparent what other team members will be needed:    Is a financial professional needed? In what capacity? As a neutral on board for the whole case, or as a forensic or a consultant to help with one particular aspect of the case?  Do we need one coach or two? Will custody and parenting access be so hotly debated that a child specialist or a guardian ad litem will be needed?   In making such choices at this stage, lawyers may likely be bound by the policies of their practice groups (some practice groups use a one-coach model, others may use a two-coach model and others may not require either but suggest the use of coach(es) as an option) and  the parties’ financial circumstances, i.e. whether they can afford to pay the fees of one or more additional professionals on the team.

 

Note: If the use of a coach is questionable, these authors favor erring on the side of caution and including a coach on the team initially.  It is a rare case in which there are no emotional or psychological issues present.  It is our experience that if a coach is brought into the team later on to “fix” the process after it begins to derail, it is probably too late for the coach to be effective, and it signifies to the clients that they are failing in their attempts to collaboratively dissolve their marriage.  A better course is to bring a coach into the team initially and if the clients truly do not need the support of the mental health professional, the coach can be dismissed after the first or second meeting, to be called back only if necessary or to meet with the clients individually or jointly outside the collaborative sessions.
Assuming that a coach will be a part of the team, who do you recommend for that position? Of course you will want an experienced mental health professional, who has completed mediation and basic collaborative training; the more advanced trainings they have participated in, the better. The coach has to be neutral, with no previous knowledge of the parties, much as they may clamor to engage their marital or individual therapist. Certainly it helps if the attorneys are familiar with the coach, and have had professional and/or personal experiences with him/her. The interdisciplinary practice group is tremendously helpful in building these kinds of relationships, and in helping attorneys to assess the relative merits of the different coaches in their group.

For instance, some coaches may be more directive and active; others may be gentler and more nurturing. If your client is loud, agitated or impulsive, you may want a strong divorce coach to help manage him/her. Some clients need direct confrontation, for instance when they are drinking heavily or engaged in other self-destructive compulsive behaviors. Alternatively, when clients are immobilized by sadness, loss or indecision, they may need a softer touch to stir them from their passivity into action. At the clinical level, some coaches have more knowledge of special needs children; some may have devoted their psychotherapy practices to adolescents, or they may have raised children of their own. Matching the coach to the team enhances the likelihood of success in collaboration.

Gender issues also make a difference in choosing a coach. If both lawyers are female, the husband can easily find himself feeling alienated, marginalized, stereotyped or castrated. A male coach can make all the difference in helping him to feel part of the team. Alternatively, the wife may value a female coach if the rest of the team is male, or if she has felt victimized or hurt by her husband and/or by the decision to get divorced.

Elsewhere in this volume is a lengthy discussion of the two-coach model, the role of the child specialist, and the role of the financial neutral, so we will not delve into the discussion of whether or not those professionals are needed. Rather, we want to encourage attorneys to be thoughtful about the match and dynamics among team members. Think about your personal comfort level with the other professionals on the team, and consider which coaches you are most willing to be vulnerable with. There are times when the coach needs to confront another team member, and help him/her to evaluate his/her personal contribution to the problem. Needless to say, trust and respect are necessary predicates in the choice of the coach. The reverse of course can happen, when coaches become either too allied with one party and therefore are not actually neutral, or when coaches begin to slip into an advising/legal role; then the coach becomes the focus of the professional conversation.

Hard as you may try to create a cohesive and functional team, it may turn out that some professionals simply cannot work together. Personality conflicts, stylistic differences, and long-held grudges stemming from litigation experiences may interfere with collaboration, or new resentments may develop in the nascent collaborative community. This creates a significant ethical challenge. While many professionals are eager to grow their collaborative practices, and may be tempted to take every case that comes along, it is important to first consider whether or not you can work collaboratively with the other members of the team. Some attorneys and coaches will recuse themselves from working on cases where they believe they simply will not be able to collaborate with the extant team members. Strong negative emotions toward fellow professionals have no place in the collaborative conference room, and will only poison the efforts of those who want to work together.

But this is unusual. Most team dynamics can be discussed and massaged in order to create a functional team. As you are standing at the portal of a new collaboration, the most important move you can make is to schedule a Professionals-Only meeting prior to the first team meeting with the clients. This is a time for professionals to meet each other if they have never worked together, and to discuss their concerns and expectations. Concerns include substantive matters i.e. the husband is adamant that he doesn’t want to pay alimony, and process matters i.e. the wife knows nothing of their finances and is completely intimidated by numbers. Professionals may also want to comment on their own processes. For instance, it helps to note the imbalances that result when some professionals have had many cases together while one professional is new to them all, or when one has a reputation that preceded them into the conference room. As with clients, professionals will find it is always best to label the elephants in the room rather than try to maneuver around them.

 

Leading the Clients into the Collaborative Room

 

As any successful gardener knows, the key to a bountiful crop lies in the preparation of the soil. First the large rocks must be removed. Then the earth must be turned, enriched, and levelled, before planting even begins. Likewise with the collaborative process: careful preparation enhances the chances of success. This begins with the lawyers, who talk with their clients about the use of the coach. Typically in the first attorney-client meeting, the lawyer will highlight the unique benefits of the multidisciplinary team, and explain how a coach can facilitate the divorce process. Attorneys present their rationales as clearly and firmly as possible, but clients may be concerned about the expense of additional professionals and the value they contribute. Some attorneys in our practice group refuse to work collaboratively without a coach, while others insist on coaches only in cases of clear mental illness or character disorder. Either way, the attorneys must maintain a delicate balance between the concerns of the clients and their own expert knowledge about how to control the process.

Then the coach meets individually with each party and in at least one 3-way meeting before the full team is assembled. These initial meetings with the coach help the divorcing spouse to articulate his/her experience of the marriage and its demise. Goals and concerns are identified, using questions like, what can you depend on your spouse for? What are your objectives for this divorce? What is it like for you to be in the room with your spouse? How do you communicate? How do you push each other’s buttons? The coach needs to understand each party’s personal experience and needs in order to guide them through the thicket of divorce.

The first 3-way meeting, which includes the coach and the spouses, is the last chance to look backward, before the momentum of the divorce moves the family forward. In some families, this may begin with one spouse asking why divorce is necessary. Often one spouse will seek reconciliation, using this meeting to address long-standing marital conflicts. While occasionally reconciliation does happen, more commonly this is a time for the initiator of the divorce to explicate his/her reasons for ending the marriage, hopefully using I-sentences to describes one’s own needs, rather than resorting to accusations and re-opening old arguments.

Three-way meetings with the coach are also the time to discuss the unmentionables in the marriage. Secrets which have driven the couple apart need to be acknowledged, lest they creep in during the financial and legal conversations later and hijack the team’s progress. Often this means acknowledging an affair, its’ impact on the deceived partner, and taking responsibility for the marital conditions which prompted the affair. More often the elephant in the room is not a secret, but the couple may not know how to have a civil discussion about such painful topics as gambling problems, cross-dressing, child-rearing differences, or the impact of major mental illness or alcohol abuse on the marriage. This is not psychotherapy, but a respectful conversation about why the marriage is ending. Having that conversation in the safety of the coach’s office reduces the possibility that marital issues and intense emotion will interfere with the spouse’s ability to work together later.

Initial coaching sessions prepare divorcing couples for how to talk with each other in collaboration. The coach teaches them to speak for themselves, without blaming, accusation, sarcasm, hostility or slander. While many of these dysfunctional communication patterns may have become normative over the decline of the marriage, the coach’s mission is to retool the couple’s communication, especially when there are children involved. Learning how to speak civilly to a former spouse during coaching sessions paves the way for the many difficult conversations of a divorce, and for decency in the co-parenting relationship for years to come.

The initial coaching appointments help the clients to trust their professional team. In order to successfully work together, the spouses must know that their voices are heard. Transparency is of the upmost concern here. Clients must understand that they cannot expect secrets to be kept from the other spouse, and that all significant information will be shared with the rest of the team.

 

From the Battlefield to the Mount:  How Collaborative Professionals Produce Winning Teams

 

In a recent article, Christine Riordan, a nationally known expert on leadership development, used the movie Remember the Titans as a metaphor for team building. In the film, Coach Herman Boone takes his fractured and divided high school football team to the battleground of Gettysburg and implores his players to “take a lesson from the dead.  If we don’t come together, right now on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed, just like they were.”  Coach Boone then establishes the primacy of an important team virtue: “I don’t care if you like each other right now, but you will respect each other.”  (Riordan, 2013)  Like Coach Boone, collaborative professionals need to seize the opportunity to build a culture of respect and gratitude on their teams, enabling the divorcing spouses to be winners in their collaborative effort.  Here are some steps for professionals to follow to help bring the team to victory:

 

Use a Roadmap

For a team to operate effectively, all members need to know where they are going and how they are going to get there.  A good roadmap establishes protocols and sequentially lays out the steps in the collaborative divorce process.  It is a useful tool for easing the parties’ anxieties, giving structure to the process and helping to keep everyone accountable.   We find the use of a collaborative divorce road map to be very helpful. Many clients begin their divorces saying that they want to be done as soon as possible; they already have plans in their minds about who should take which assets, what the parenting plan will look like, and who should live in the house. The road map articulates the necessary steps of signing on to the collaborative process, gathering information, identifying interests and concerns, evaluating options, and making decisions. The professional team addresses unreasonable expectations, and teaches clients that detours from the collaborative road map will cost them time and money.

 

Establish Ground Rules

In one recent case, the husband was a spread sheet aficionado, and the wife refused to engage in that arena since she perceived him to have an unfair advantage.  So she attacked in the only way she knew how – emotionally.  Specifically, she went after him for his annual golf outing with the boys, which, she maintained, cost thousands of dollars and contributed significantly to their current financial difficulties and ultimate divorce.  Each financial 3-way degenerated into yelling and general chaos.  To regain control of the process, the financial neutral prepared ground rules which were neatly printed on the whiteboard.  They included:

 

No blaming for past sins, finger pointing or emotional outbursts.
Today’s discussion will be restricted to the meeting agenda [created by me].
Raising of voices beyond a certain decibel will be cause to terminate the meeting.
No mention of the “G” word.  (“What’s the G word?”  “Golf.”)
If asked, I will give my opinion, but only if agreed that said opinion shall not be considered to be an “official” recommendation.
Interestingly, as the meeting progressed, each party glanced occasionally at the ground rules to make sure that they were not in violation. If they thought that they might be in violation, they prefaced their remarks with a disclaimer.  In short, the use of ground rules in this case made for a very productive meeting.

Ground rules can be highly effective in keeping the discussion focused and civil, particularly in cases where the arguments are circular and repetitive.  In the above cited case, the financial neutral just did not want to hear the word “golf” one more time.  “You made your point.  We got it.  In order for this discussion to move forward, we acknowledge your position and must now move on.”

Ground rules should be created by the professionals on the team as a form of crowd control.  They should be prominently displayed and referenced whenever they are in jeopardy.  We have found that ground rules are an excellent tool in the effort to maintain control and decorum in difficult situations.

 

Come to Meetings Prepared

As professionals, you are the team leaders.  To lead a successful team, you need a game plan.  Prior to each meeting, professionals should meet in person or have a telephone conference to discuss team strategy.   This could mean deciding something as simple as how to configure or reconfigure the seating around the conference table, who should start the meeting, or anticipating potential roadblocks and strategizing about ways to avoid or resolve them.  Be sure to determine and disseminate a conference agenda in advance of the meeting so that parties are not surprised by the agenda topics and thrown off balance.  However, collaborative professionals should not be afraid to change the game plan when necessary.  Debriefing after each meeting and reassessing strategy are instrumental to good leadership.

 

Do Your Homework

For a team to operate efficiently, all members need to satisfy their roles and obligations.  Just as the parties will be expected to complete various “homework assignments” (e.g. completing financial affidavits, furnishing financial documentation, etc.) so, too, must professionals meet their team obligations.  Thus, for example, if it was previously agreed that for the next meeting the attorneys would prepare child support guidelines or that the financial neutral would complete a cash flow analysis or that the coach would contact the children’s therapists to get an update on how the temporary parenting plan is working, such promises have to be fulfilled.  If not, professionals send the incorrect message that poor performance will be tolerated.

 

Produce Written Summaries of Each Meeting

At a minimum, such summaries should set forth all agreements reached by the parties and/or the team regarding substantive and procedural issues.  Alternatively, the summaries may include a detailed discussion of what was covered in the meeting. The summaries should be disseminated to all team members as soon after the meeting as possible.  Summaries serve as a useful reference at subsequent meetings and a memorialization of the agreements helps establish the team’s progress and keeps the parties accountable.

 

Don’t be invested in the Outcome

Legal training emphasizes advocacy and positional bargaining. Not attaching to a particular position or result is one of the most difficult transitions for new collaborative attorneys to make.  The success of a good collaborative divorce is measured not by how many touchdowns are scored by one side but by how the game was played and whether both parties are satisfied with the results.  When professionals become positional and act like cheerleaders for one party, they wrongly signal that winning is more important than playing fair.  This behavior can damage, or even derail, the collaborative process. All collaborative professionals need to keep an open mind, and allow their clients to find the compromises and agreements that will work for them.

 

Let the Clients Develop Their Own Agreement.  If the professionals feel like they are working too hard, they probably are.

A good athletic coach leads his team to the finish line; he doesn’t make the plays himself.  Professionals, especially attorneys, can easily fall into the trap of directing certain outcomes; after all, this is what attorneys have learned to do in litigated cases.  The goal of collaborative divorce is to empower the parties to develop their own agreements. The collaborative team only suggests and provides appropriate options, solutions and compromises.  The professionals should help involve the parties in developing options and crafting solutions.  When the parties are so engaged, the end result often is more creative and acceptable as fair to both spouses.

 

Reach Across the Aisle When You Can.

When was the last time you can recall an attorney in a litigated case saying something complimentary to or even acknowledging the spouse of his client?   For an attorney to do so would be highly unusual. In contrast, building a cordial relationship with all members of the collaborative team is encouraged.   Making both parties feel as comfortable as possible is key to building trust and establishing open and honest communication.  To help break the ice, professionals should start each meeting by engaging the spouses in talk about nonthreatening subjects; serve snacks and drinks at each meeting; and once the meeting begins, draw in parties who aren’t speaking. Although the attorneys are advocates for their own clients, they should each take care to empathize with the other party when appropriate; compliment the other party when he/she makes a valid point or good suggestion; and thank the other party when he/she shares useful information or makes important concessions.

However, we have learned from our own mistakes that too much camaraderie can be a bad thing. Clients who have significant debt do not enjoy listening to their attorneys chat about European vacations. Nor do they enjoy listening to their attorney bond with the other party over rock concerts they have both attended, when attendance at concerts has been a long-standing source of conflict in the marriage. There is no shortcut around sensitivity.

 

Start and Stop On Time.

Implicit in the success of team meetings is punctuality. Late starts make the clients anxious, and late endings worry anyone who has any other commitments.  When scheduling each meeting, members should agree on the duration of the meeting, i.e., 2 hours, 90 minutes, etc.  This helps to prevent misunderstandings, possibly resulting in a member having to leave the meeting before it is properly completed in order to make another appointment.   If professionals plan to meet before the meeting, they should specify a start time and make sure that they end their conference before the clients arrive.  If professionals are still conferring past the time when the full team is scheduled to begin its meeting, the clients may feel resentful and/or anxious.

 

Be Conscious that You are Role Models for the Parties and for Each Other.

In the collaborative process, professionals model behavior for the parties with every interaction that occurs.  Do we show up to and start the meetings on time?  Do we do what we say we are going to do while expecting clients to complete their own “homework assignments”?  Do we interrupt other team members?  Do we make eye contact?  Do we “hear” them and each other?  Are we respectful of one another?  Do we show appreciation and gratitude? Professionals should use each collaborative session as an opportunity to demonstrate healthy communication, integrity in relationships and trust building — all attributes of an effective team.  In the best of all worlds, parties will mimic these behaviors and apply them in their new co-parenting relationships (Lazar and Alba-Fisch, 2012).

 

Communicating Collaboratively

 

One of the cornerstones of Collaborative Divorce is clear, civil and direct communication. The coach teaches spouses to communicate in 3-way meetings, and the entire team models effective communication in all of their routine interactions. Collaborative conferences are not the place for eye-rolling, heavy sighing or loud outbursts, so professionals must set the tone for respect and self-control.

All professionals on the collaborative team must remain vigilant of how they are communicating, be it verbally, nonverbally or in the written word. They avoid sarcasm, innuendo, teasing and accusation. If they are feeling impatient, angry or frustrated, they find a way to discuss this with the rest of the team rather than acting it out indirectly. When emotion does leak out, the coach or another team member tactfully brings this into focus lest it derail the progress of the entire team. For a further discussion of how to approach team members and discuss emotional undercurrents, we recommend reading “Difficult Conversations” by Stone, Patton and Heen.

Thoroughness and timeliness are critical in written communication. After every coaching meeting and team meeting, we send summaries of what transpired, what further information is needed and what agreements have been forged. Team members take pains to make sure that these are accurate, comprehensive and promptly completed. We often circulate drafts of the notes among the professionals first before forwarding them to clients, to insure balance and accuracy. And since homework assignments are included in these summaries, the clients need to receive them in a timely manner. The emotional intensity of divorce conferences can easily cloud one’s memory, so clients often forget what homework is required for the next meeting. The sooner they receive the summary of the past meeting, the sooner they will begin gathering the necessary information for the next meeting, and the greater the likelihood of progress for the team as a whole.

Lawyers, coaches, child specialists and financial specialists need to stay in regular contact with each other in between collaborative meetings. Generally this begins with the coach writing a summary of the clinical and interpersonal understanding gleaned from the initial coaching sessions, which is shared with the rest of the professional team. Alternatively, the team may begin with a brief teleconference in order to plan the collaboration. Often we use email to apprise each other of developments in collaborative cases, taking care to write “PROFESSIONALS ONLY” in the tag-line of our emails, and avoiding use of clients’ last names for reasons of confidentiality.

E-mail is a wonderful tool in collaboration, but it is no substitute for face-to-face conversations. As stated above, we generally recommend that the professional team meet 30 minutes before the first collaborative meeting, and 15 minutes before subsequent meetings. Importantly, we recommend explicitness in scheduling, so that clients are asked to arrive as the professional team meeting is ending. A common mistake is to set the same time for everyone, and ask the clients to wait while the professionals discuss their situation privately. Their anxiety level will soar before they enter the conference room, and the tone will be set for mistrust and anger.

Likewise, the team functions best when professionals save a few minutes after each meeting to debrief together. This may be a collective sigh of relief after surviving a tense or dramatic interaction, or an expression of concern about what happened during the meeting. Sometimes professionals just need to clarify information and plans; sometimes they need to have difficult conversations with each other. Do not underestimate the value of de-briefing as a team. Often lawyers schedule a brief meeting with their clients after 5-way meetings too, but we find it best to ask the client to wait a few minutes while the professional team wraps up its’ conversation. Coaches need to be thoughtful about how they schedule themselves as well. Since they come from a psychotherapy model of scheduling one appointment after another, they must learn to anticipate this necessary cushion after team meetings. Otherwise they will find themselves racing out of meetings before the work is done.

 

Strengthening Professional Relationships

 

Team professionals should seek opportunities to collaborate off the clock. Provided of course that no ethical, confidentiality or compliance considerations are being violated, social contact among the professionals outside the strict confines of the conference room can only enhance the collaborative process.  And while some prefer breakfast meetings, others lunch and still others a drink after work, no matter the venue, we would encourage social contact among collaborative professionals.  Any opportunity to learn more about your fellow practitioners, on a professional or personal level will only serve to strengthen relationships and ultimately, improve the process.  We see these types of interactions as debriefing in a relaxed and informal atmosphere.

Likewise, professional meetings and workshops further serve as excellent vehicles for the exchange of ideas and the acquisition of additional tools and knowledge that will help the professional improve process skills.  These types of meetings may feature a social hour to further encourage the free exchange of ideas and the opportunity to mix and mingle with like-minded professionals.  We particularly recommend meetings like the annual IACP (International Association of Collaborative Professionals) conference, where practicing collaborators gather from around the globe to teach, to learn and to exchange ideas and experiences.  Additionally, each individual profession has its own such meetings. We believe that IT is essential to periodically participate in professional meetings to stay on top of trends locally, regionally and around the country and world.

Practice group meetings on the local level are also particularly helpful in building positive professional relationships and addressing common concerns. From our experience, the establishment of an interdisciplinary practice group of collaborative professionals has enhanced our ability to function as coordinated teams. Dinner Meetings are held every other month in the private dining room of a local restaurant. We begin with a social hour, which members use to catch up on cases or just to chat. A business meeting is held during dinner followed by an educational component. We may discuss difficult cases, conduct role plays, or explore special topics related to our work.

Our practice group recently held a day-long retreat at a conference center by the water. It afforded us the opportunity to deepen our relationships and work in depth on norms for group practice. We highly recommend scheduling annual retreats as a means of strengthening team cohesiveness.

 

 

Do’s & Don’ts

 

DO Prepare!

Have your agenda set ahead of time. Organize your materials in advance, so you don’t waste time or appear disorganized as you rifle through your files.

 

DO use a road map and establish ground rules.

Don’t jump ahead; don’t generate solutions before you have considered the client’s needs and interests.

 

DO Show up 15 minutes early to talk with the team.

Professionals should arrive at meetings BEFORE their clients.  This is invaluable time for the professionals to discuss the objectives of the meeting ahead. Nothing is as aggravating to clients as sitting in the waiting area while their professional team players come running in out of breath.  Be seated, be calm, and be ready.

 

DON’T let the clients take over the meeting.

The clients control the outcome but the professionals control the process.  Don’t let things get out of control.  Keep a lid on emotions – spelled C-O-A-C–H.  Be firm when required, and use your road map and ground rules as reminders, so that clients do not hijack the process.

 

DO watch your language.

Collaborative professionals avoid the divisive language of litigation. Words like “Marital Dissolution,” “the parties,” create a hostile and legalistic distance in divorcing families. When agendas and emails contain the “v” between the husband’s and wife’s names, collaboration will be overrun by negativity and alienation. We try to simply use our clients’ first names, and we refer to them as spouses rather than parties.

 

DON’T call in the coach to clean up after it is already too late.

Collaborative coaches are not miracle workers.  When a case is already blowing up, it is probably too late for them to help you. By the time coaches are called in as saviors, the team may have already established bad habits, like violating ground rules or operating without ground rules, or operating without a roadmap. The professionals may have already exhibited poor behavior. Asking a coach to repair a broken process puts an unfair burden on one person while giving him or her only a minimal chance to succeed.   The collaborative process functions best when all team members join the team at the same time and establish effective team behaviors from the beginning.

 

DON’T slip into advocacy or encourage your client to be positional.

Understand your role. Don’t bypass the team.  This is especially difficult for attorneys who by training and experience have mastered the art of advocacy.  While there is a place for advocacy in collaborative divorce, it is much more subtle than the “in your face” advocacy of litigated divorces.  Rather than trying to be your client’s voice in collaborative meetings and asserting his or her positions at every turn, an attorney can be an advocate by asking the right questions of his or her client at the appropriate time in order to generate a particular response. In addition, the collaborative attorney confers with his or her client between meetings to suggest appropriate ways for the client to communicate his/her needs and interests.

 

DO regard the group as one team, not opposing sides.

This mindset is crucial for establishing a high performance team.  To help create the “team” mindset, introduce the team concept in the initial meeting and remind the parties of it, if necessary, in later sessions.

 

DON’T be afraid of difficult conversations with your colleagues.

Do you sense that one of your colleagues is not adhering to the ground rules of collaborative divorce?  Perhaps he/she is acting too much like an advocate?  Is she monopolizing the meetings with her opinions?  Is he inappropriately controlling the tone and flow of the meetings?  Does he continually cut your client off when he/she is trying to speak?  If you believe that your colleague’s behavior is impeding the team’s effectiveness, a healthy conversation to address your concerns is in order.  Difficult conversations can be made easier if you:

Understand and acknowledge your own contribution to the problem.
Don’t personally attack or blame your colleague.  Avoid statements that begin with “when you” and, instead, start statements off with “when I” or “when the client,”
Don’t gang up on anyone. Beginning statements with “we” makes it feel like the whole team is lined up against the individual.
Request a specific change in the behavior, rather than telling them what not to do.
Explain your feelings in terms of your worry, concern, or confusion, rather than anger.
Seek help from the team’s coach, when appropriate.
When these tips are followed, difficult conversations can be turned into learning conversations.

 

DO engage the coach to help ease communication between the attorneys.

As trained mental health professionals, coaches can be a wonderful resource for other team professionals to help resolve their communication problems. Coaches can lead the other professionals into a productive discussion when personalities begin to clash, or when lawyers are veering off the road map.

 

DON’T run off at the end of meetings.

Do allot at least 15 minutes at the end of each meeting to debrief. Managing your calendar is important.  If you have allocated two hours for the session, the clients need to know the session will be over 15 minutes earlier for them.  They will respect the fact that the professionals need a little time to de-brief and stay organized.  This is an important time to regroup, discuss and plan for the next meeting.

 

DO utilize each professional to optimize results and create efficiencies wherever possible.

This is not a competition between professionals.  Understand the capabilities of the professionals and use each to the clients’ best advantage.  If efficiencies can be created by having the clients meet in a smaller session, do so.  It can save the clients’ money and they will appreciate it.

 

DO learn to delegate and trust your collaborative colleagues! Another stolen expression is “the liberation of delegation.”  One problem many of us have is relinquishing control.  We feel that if we DON’T maintain control over the proceedings things will somehow spiral out of control.  When colleagues learn to trust and rely on each other, it is amazing how smoothly things can actually proceed.

 

References

 

Lazar, KS and Alba-Fisch, M, Interdisciplinary Teams: Are they worth the bother?  Seminar presented in Hartford, CT, 2012.

 

Riordan, C. ”Foster a Culture of Gratitude”. Harvard Business Review, HBR Blog Network, April 23, 2013.

 

Stone, D., Patton, B and Heen, S, Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most. Penguin Books, 1999.

 

 

Divorcing with Dignity by Psychologist Dr. Elaine Ducharme

April 18, 2011/in Divorce, Education, Emotional Aspects of Divorce, Support/by Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D.

http://wrch.cbslocal.com/2011/04/18/divorcing-with-dignity-psychologist-dr-elaine-ducharme/

 

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